Community, Season One (2009-10)

     Now that Dan Harmon is out as the show-runner for Community (2009-present), I thought it would be a moderately decent time to do a sporadic review of the show to date.  Not that there is much interest for such a thing.  Fact of the matter is that those who have a slavish devotion to the show - and Harmon in particular - have already watched all of the episodes multiple times, and those who haven't are much more likely to simply not give a damn about the show at all.  "Community?" I imagine them asking, "Is that the show that is opposite The Big Bang Theory (2007-present)?"  Or maybe they are like Shelly Mazzanoble, and though working in a field where the pop culture references would fit the sensibilities of those who buy and use the products their company makes, chose to watch Dance Moms (2011-present) or any of the Real Housewives (2006-why the fuck does anybody watch these?) series when it comes to DVR viewing.  For whatever reason, Community has not been able to latch on to anything resembling a sizable audience.
     The über-fans have decided that this simply does not matter.  To them, anything successful must be akin to pop music, where pop music simply must be awful.  Sure, lots of pop music is bad.  But on occasion we get gems from the genre.  Like jazz fans, they revel in how cool they must be to like something that is decidedly unpopular.  I am not one of the superfans.  I like the show and make every effort to see it when it is on, but I don't plan my life around it.  I certainly don't place Community on par with sitcom classics such as The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961-66), M*A*S*H (1972-1983), or Cheers (1982-1993).  Some have compared it to Arrested Development (2003-2006; 2013?), but Arrested Development was clearly a much slyer (and unconventional) take on Soap (1977-1981), which was itself a send-up of soap opera overreaches.
     Where Community has become something of a mess, a show dedicated less to delivering coherent stories or building characters through the events of their lives, it didn't really start off that way.  It was, looking at it again, a rather normal sitcom.  It just decided to go with the absolutely insane notion of placing a group of adults (or varying degrees of maturity) into what essentially is a high school setting.  Except, because high school isn't for adults, it became a very challenged community college: Greendale. 

Jeff Winger (McHale) in a prime example of his wardrobe misfires from Season One.

     Since nobody chooses to go to community college (this conceit seems more and more elitist as time wears on and there is no real love for the school emerging), all of the main characters must have done something horrible in their lives.  Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) has cruised through life without having ever been challenged, faking his credentials to get into Law School (where he never had to study), passed the Bar Exam with no listed difficulty, and had a successful career as a lawyer (because, apparently, there is no need to actually be knowledgeable on the subject of the law if one can simply bullshit well enough); this was a weak cheat at the beginning of the show – a sign that Harmon never fully examined the implications of the set-up.  The other students are all there because they are failures rather than frauds (well, many are frauds on some level that doesn't relate to their academic careers).
     Look at me being nowhere near on point.  Community started off as a slightly off-beat sticom that, occasionally, would turn some of the conventions on their respective heads.  But it hadn't become wrapped up in the need to shock and enthrall (some of) the audience with journeys into the absurd.  It had recurring characters who were more than other hapless denizens of the halls, notably John Michael Higgins as Professor Whitman, Lauren Stamile as Professor Slater, John Oliver as Professor Duncan, and Eric Christian Olsen as Vaugh (being more of a denizen of the grassy quad); only one of those characters appears after Season One.  The wacky antics revolved around things at the school because that is where the intersection of the character's lives was.
     Somewhere along the line, in planning for a longer running show than four years (this was always more ambitious than realistic), Harmon decided to move the focus away from the classes, cafeteria,  and the study group's reserved room in the library into their lives.  This became very pronounced in Season Three, and stands in direct contrast to Season One.  No doubt that Harmon, like Keith Olbermann, has gone crazy in part from having people praise his more out there moments.  "Modern Warfare" (episode #23) was the first truly outrageous divergence from reality – it is the first paintball episode.  It works not because it has escaped from any relationship with reality but because it can be viewed as an absurd but logical extension of how things are at Greendale, but only as an exception to the regular shenanigans.  Having been praised for this, Harmon and company went off the rails in Season Three attempting to deliver as many as these type of events as possible.  It makes Season One look divorced from the show by comparison.

Annie (Brie) didn't have much to do but pine for Troy and react to scenes until the writing staff realized she had great chemistry with Jeff – and that came from them watching the episode where they had the two characters kiss (the first time).

     Season One doesn't really find its footing until "Introduction to Statistics" (episode #7), and truthfully only has seven strong episodes during the first twenty five.  Not that many sitcoms charge out of the gate with a great first season.  Part of the problem is that the cast is quite large and it is hard to find screen time for each character.  Strangely, Shirley Bennett (Yvette Nicole Brown) is a much stronger, more interesting character in Season One than in Seasons Two and Three combined.  Annie Edison (Alison Brie) and Troy Barnes (Donald Glover) are largely reactionary characters in Season One, getting only occasional moments to shine whereas they become more relevant to the stories in the last two seasons.  Britta Perry (Gillian Jacobs) was a focal character in Season One, but not with great effect.  The writers reduced her role by making the character a complete and total mess, almost unrecognizable as who she was before.
     What is consistent is the total unnecessary presence of Pierce Hawthorne (Chevy Chase).  I don't blame Chase for this, because he can't do much beyond what he is given to work with, but he should have had some thoughts about how a fat man in his mid-60s doesn't make for compellingly funny broad physical comedy.  Chase was always at his best when he was allowed to be a witty, warm (if befuddled or self-possessed) character struggling with minor inconveniences (see Clark Griswald or Andy Farmer) or putting his wits against devious bad guys (see Irwin Fletcher), but Harmon and company made his character into a nearly completely unsympathetic jackass.  The character feels – from the very beginning – like a compromise forced upon the show by the network.  You want to develop a show?  Put a name character in it.  It seems that Harmon's response was to put one in and then to have no idea what to do with him.

     I used to have this fantasy that if and when Community made it into syndication, some people would see it for the first time and start to get what they were missing.  Now I'm just convinced that when they see Season One, they will be thinking that Community would be a dry, quirky comedy.  If they jumped on board, how would they feel about the show being completely different in the space of ten weeks of viewing?  If they came on board later, how would they feel about the early struggles to define the characters?  I don't know anyone who watched Night Court (1984-1992) who thought that the first two seasons represented what that show was about.  Maybe Season One isn't representative of Harmon's vision for the show, but it is easily more accessible than what the show was during Season Three. 

Waiting for Godot (1954)

     Tragic.  Sad.  Often funny (though I'm not much for the more physical comedy, and don't find the prostate issue funny at all).  Ultimately unknowable.  That Beckett apparently vehemently denied that Godot – a name North Americans have been mispronouncing for some time – can be understood to be God is perplexing, if only because God is just as vague and inaccessible as any knowledge of being, of why we, especially given that we are destined to not-be shortly thereafter.
     Waiting for Godot (1954) is absurd, but in the abstract.  Its primary characters are never referred to by their listed names (I don't know if that is brilliant or banal, but it is something).  It has no sense of place except that it is one incapable of giving the men what they need while simultaneously evocative of longing and change.
     I wouldn't want a steady diet of this from any playwright, but I finally understand why so many people are drawn to it.

Young Adult (2011)

     Having suffered through Juno (2007) and Jennifer's Body (2009), I wasn't super eager to give Diablo Cody another chance at trying to hide a lack of sensible plot with forced, imagined hip youth catch-phrases.  Okay, if I am going to be honest, I didn't hate Juno, but I did find it to be a pale imitation (unintentionally, I'm sure) of Saved! (2004).  But there didn't seem to be much in the writing to make me think that this woman deserved the praise she had been getting.  (Note to everyone: I really need to stop bitching about how qualified a writer is once they are successfully working in the field, because I cannot finish my own projects and it just makes me look petty and small.)
     Still, there was something about Young Adult (2011) that looked interesting (it didn't look all that funny, at least not from the previews), so I gave it 93 minutes of my life.  Well, if I am going to keep being honest, I gave it about 110 minutes.  Mostly because I needed to take momentary breaks from just how damn uncomfortable the movie could be at times.  That is not a complaint.  Cody and director Jason Reitman found the right mix where unsettling meets less than diligent soul-searching, and it is the most perverse experience to sit there watching the pain and distress that plays out in Mavis' (Charlize Theron) attempts to recapture her life by reclaiming the promise she felt she had back in high school.
     The problem that I had with the movie was that Mavis did have some level of success.  If she were a total failure, I would have felt like I were watching a documentary about how people end up like me.  It could have been a little more biting (where were the notes that her YA heroine was supremely unlikeable?), but how much more could an audience take?  Sure, I would have thought there would have been more Minneapolis music scene music.  Sure, it was creepy that Theron found a way to look like a cross between Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman (a kind of psychotic, emotionally stunted sweet everywoman).  But so much more worked in this tale of bottomless sadness and lack of self that I can't bring myself to do my regular nitpicking of meaningless crap.
    

The DVDs I haven't reviewed

     Apparently, I don't give an opinion on everything.  Here's what I haven't posted about, either because I was too lazy or didn't care enough.

AUGUST

Blessed (2006) — So, this was pretty awful.  It is slow, overly low-key, and Heather Graham puts close to nothing into her performance.

Heartland: The Complete Second Season (2008-09) — I only watched one episode, out of devotion to Katharine Isabelle.  But it looked like a decent, mostly wholesome show.  Better than most of the other Canadian offerings as of late.

Snow Angels (2007) — It is hard to make a movie that doesn't note just how unbelievably attractive Kate Beckinsale is.  But there is too much going on in this one, to the detriment of the two major stories at play.  Not a bad movie, but not as focused as it should have been.

SEPTEMBER

Rec (2007) — Good, but I still prefer Quarantine (2008).  There is certainly a different central element at play here.  Much more horror in concept than its American cousin.

The Resident (2011) — This was horrible.  Plodding.  Predictable.  Completely lacking in tension.  I have a hard time believing that both stars wanted to do this movie, but it is hard to criticize working actors when it comes to taking jobs.

Fanboys (2009) — There is a good concept at work here, but the delivery is lacking.  Maybe it would have been better if the movie hadn't be reworked and scenes re-done in an effort to make it more mainstream.  But my main problem was the idea that more Seth Rogen is ever better.

The Special Relationship (2010) — This was a disappointment.  It essentially shows how necessary, but not always friendly, the relationships between Great Britain's Prime Minister and the American President.  Too much time was spent on tidbits and too little on the meat of the relationship.  Really felt more like an old-school Network TV movie.

Limitless (2011) — Not bad, but I found myself eager for this one to end.  If Cooper weren't so charismatic, I don't know if it would have gotten a release.

Thor (2011) — I hated this movie.  Just hated it.

X-Men: First Class (2011) — I liked this prequel, but will continue to wonder why starting the X-Men as the comics started is an impossibility.

OCTOBER

Definitely, Maybe (2008) — I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds.  He is great in this, as is Isla Fisher.  This could have been tighter, but it is one of the better rom-coms I've seen in a while.

Scream of the Banshee (2011) — Ugh. 

Mirrors (2008) — Too much early action, not enough of a slow build for my tastes.  I also couldn't understand why prime real estate was just sitting there waiting to claim victims with its haunting.

Ann Rule Presents The Stranger Beside Me (2003) — Yeah, this was a TV movie that did nothing to give a better idea of how the people close to Ted Bundy had no idea he was a serial killer.

NOVEMBER

Feast (2005) — Hey, Krista Allen keeps her top on.  I actually like Feast, but it is a flawed horror film.  One of the better creature features I've seen from the modern era, but too casual with how the characters are disposed of.

Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda: Season One (2000-01) — Much worse than I remember.  Hard to see how this ran for five seasons.

Killshot (2008) — Mickey Rourke as a Native American hitman.  If the film had centered on him, I think it would have appealed to me more.  The victim characters are underdeveloped (but played by likeable actors), and that means that there isn't any investment in terms of what happens to them.

DECEMBER

Bond of Silence (2010) — TV movie that wastes the talents of Kim Raver and Greg Grunberg.

Red (2010) — A little too over-the-top for me, but at least Red was entertaining.

Gene Roddenberry's Earth Final Conflict: Season One (1997-98) — Wow.  There was actually a good show here in the first season.  Sure, it had too many campy moments, but it really looked like it was laying the groundwork for a great humans vs. aliens, cloak and dagger series.

Attack the Block (2011) — I was rooting for the aliens for most of this.  Just couldn't root for the wanna-be thugs.

JANUARY

Adventureland (2009) — Hey, its Ryan Reynolds having sex with Kristen Stewart.  I kind of expect that to happen in real life.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) — Somehow, this was worse than the original trilogy.  And they managed to add a bunch of characters I couldn't be bothered to care about.  Note to Disney: these movies can all be an hour shorter.

Gene Roddenberry's Earth Final Conflict: Season Two (1998-99) — Robert Leeshock (not pictured above) takes over as the lead and the show goes to hell.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But killing off the main character and removing the subtlety made this show go from good to awful in about two episodes.

The Host (2006)

     It seems like only a half a decade ago that I was roaming about inside the local Blockbuster video when I came across the box for The Host (2006), a mildly praised Korean creature feature.  It looked like it may have been worth seeing, but at the prices the old blue & yellow used to charge, I never took the plunge and actually gave it a chance.  Now, there is no local Blockbuster (there actually is, but it is not very accessible and the idea of driving to and from a store to rent a movie feels a little ridiculous at this point) and the cost to see The Host has dropped to $0.  That made it much easier for me to sit down and watch it.
     I don't think I can give a fair review of The Host, though.  The humor went beyond just not appealing to me; I actually was offended – intellectually, not culturally – by it.  It wasn't just that the humor was juvenile and dependent on the idea that the single father is a total loser (from a family of questionable abilities), but that it stood in an odd contrast to the monster horror that was competing for screen time in the movie. Rather than serve as a counterpoint to the tension of the terror of a beastie running about, the humor undercut the supposed seriousness of the situations and made it harder to simply give a damn about the characters.
     As far as the horror element went, I found it lacking.  The creature is appropriately havoc-inducing when it is introduced to the people on the banks of the Han River, but quickly becomes a beastie that seems to have an agenda.  That would be awesome if it were true, but beasties don't get to have agendas.  So it becomes a monster that has several filler scenes and can't figure out an efficient or logical way of killing the inhabitants of the film world it is destined to kill. 
     I was more than a little surprised by how anti-American the film was, though in a mild way.  The beastie is the result of an American doctor deciding it was a good idea to dump toxic materials down the drain (and thus into the local river).  Then again, there is some heavily implied that there were Koreans who were also complicit in these activities.  An American serviceman is first seen as the supposedly heroic foil to Gang-du (Kang-ho Song), but then becomes a means to introduce a type of panic that results in a government crackdown on the people that is supported by the American military and CDC.  The Americans are not so much concerned with saving any Koreans from the beastie or some sort of plague that may be spread by the beastie as they are in keeping the oppressive regime in charge (and maybe American troops within the country).
     I don't know that I have been as mildly disappointed in a movie as I was with The Host.  I have no idea what the people who gave it high praise were thinking or expecting.  I am not the type to be so easily impressed that a foreign film has a budget of more than $100,000.  While I may be missing out on so much by not being fluent in Korean (though I'm betting that the jokes are largely the same as many rely on the physicality of the scenes), I think that the lack of consistent central tone (humor with shades of horror or horror with shades of humor) make it an inherently flawed movie.

Community Lives!

     It has been too long since the Greendale Human Beings had a presence on NBC's Comedy Night (which is a questionable description so long as Whitney or Up All Night are located in that scheduling block).  An aggressively absurdist show that finds most of its humor in between discomfort and conformity, Community (2009-present) has somehow failed to resonate with audiences.  Maybe it is the era.  When sitcoms that endlessly repeat the same situations – a winning formula established as early as the mid-1950s – are the most popular on the air, the risks Community takes may make it look strange and alien.
     For reasons that must relate to NBC's desire to stop being a major broadcast network, the best comedy currently in production has been treated like the ugly step-sister, somehow not as worthy of praise as The Office (2005-present, a show well past its prime) or the consistently overrated 30 Rock (2006-present).  Granted, Community took some time to become what it is, and what it is does not seem to be exactly the same thing from season to season.  Unlike Chuck Lorre's wildly popular shows, it doesn't hate its own characters (well, it may actually hate two of them, but I'd like to think it is more of a problem of knowing what to do with them in Season Three).
     I would have preferred that Community had come back with an episode that was stronger and friendlier to potential new viewers than "Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts".  While it does a decent job keeping the energy and mood at the right level for the show, it felt rushed and a little contrived.  Part of the problem may be the ongoing problem on not knowing how to use Chevy Chase's character in Season 3, but I think it was much more likely that the show needed to be more about Shirley than the other characters reactions to her getting married to her once-and-future husband, Andre.
     Whatever complaints I may have, I tend to enjoy Community more than any other show that is currently on TV.  It will break my heart when it is cancelled at the end of the year, living on only in a short run at Comedy Central and in the DVD or Blu-ray sets die-hard fans purchase.  It isn't setting out to be easy.  It isn't as cheery as Parks and Recreation (2009-present), nor does it have an easily identifiable character around which to structure the shows. We'll see if the show can find some way to finish stronger than this last episode, but even the worst episode of Community is better than the crap NBC rolled out this year in a desperate attempt to keep viewers interested.

The characters, as a D&D nerd would understand them.  Except that Pierce should be announcing his victory in Dungeons & Dragons.  You know, the advanced kind.

Knight and Day (2010)

    Knight and Day (2010)  is one of those movies that can be described rather easily, specifically that it has something missing.  Seriously.  There is a jump from a confrontation between Cameron Diaz's character, June, and Tom Cruise's Roy Miller, in Europe, and then suddenly, inexplicably, June is back home in suburban Boston leading her life.  What?  Something happened, right?  The characters act like something happened in the missing in-between, but what?
     Other than that, the film struggles to find a consistent tone.  Cruise clearly wants it to be tongue in cheek, but the action too often tries to abandon the campy feel.  And there is no reason, other than pure ridiculousness, why his super-duper secret agent would keep dragging the civilian woman along with him.  None.  Other than the fact that Diaz was contracted to be the film and they figured they should keep putting her in scenes since she was on-set.
     Yes, Knight and Day is bad, but mostly because it doesn't want to embrace the fact that it is having fun with how bad movies like these can be.  In that regard, nobody seemed to be in on the joke that I am positive was implied on the written page.  At some point, Cruise is going to have to admit that he can't handle an action film that demands he do most of his own stunts.  What will he do then?  I don't think he has much interest in acting that doesn't give him an opportunity to do stunt work, so expect more things like this and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2011) before he packs up his bags for good.

Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen (2009)

     Meh.
     Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen (2009) does not make a magnificent transition from screen to printed page, and that may be largely due to the fact that it was never magnificent in its original format.  It was fun in a ridiculous, aggressively adolescent in its manifestation of an outsider's fantasy of mastering the universe through physical and sexual prowess.  More than that, Colbert himself gave Tek Jansen a tone that separated the character from being a crass combination of Captain Sternn from Heavy Metal (1981) and Zapp Brannigan from Futurama (1999-2003, 2008-present).
     In comic book form, Tek Jansen is just a character who is largely oblivious to what should be reality, but to keep true to the TV show bits, Tek always has to be right in the end...somehow.  It undercuts the satire and reduces the collected issues to second-rate status.  Surprisingly, by lessening the focus on Tek's need to turn everything to sex and then to be proclaimed an awesome and clearly having had "hundreds of girlfriends", the stories lose their bite.  If Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen is not a mockery of overwrought self-induced delusions of masculinity, then what is it?
     From a storytelling perspective, there are some minor issues.  Each issue may be missing a handful of panels that would allow for a much better flow, though this is only glaring in one instance.  I assume that the creative process in assembling a comic book calls for some cuts and the most efficient use of space – not every comic book can be issue #11 of The Night Man – and that enough material is present to please an invested reader.  Still, the main story arc is handled in too haphazard a manner to make one believe that there was any attempt to be serious in making the plot the point of interest.  That is another failing, because having a story that means something makes the satire more meaningful.
     I also want to complain that there is a drastic shift in the style of the artwork, going from looking like the TV shorts to a more stylized comic book look.  I didn't care for it, but as my artistic skills are severely limited, I mostly just want consistency.  That the artists do achieve.
     I can't recommend Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen.  There isn't anything new in it, and much of what was present in the TV shorts seems lost.  It may be far from terrible, but it isn't good.  It isn't particularly funny.  Worst, it lacks the bite that should have been the first priority when writing the scripts.

Cedar Rapids (2011)

     I avoided seeing Cedar Rapids (2011) in the theater for fear that it would come off like a Will Ferrell film – that is to say, overly loud and decidedly unsubtle in its humor.  While it is largely the latter, the only offender in terms of tone is John C. Reilly, who plays his character (Dean Ziegler), too brashly to fit in with the other staid – and seemingly real – characters.  There is a problem with how disconnected the characters seem from the real world, which is to say the modern world, but that is played for charm rather than insult.  Indeed, had Cedar Rapids not taken an odd detour to the dark side of rural America, the entire film would have felt like an homage to the character of American goodness of character as contrasted with corporate (small as they are) evils.
     Ed Helms plays Tim Lippe, and he does a good job even when he is given questionable material.  Helms is really too old for the role – he looks every bit of his 37 years – but he manages a kind and believable aw shucks persona that allows the other actors room to work.  Reilly is much less giving, acting at the others; it feels like he was getting direction for a different film.  Anne Heche is fantastic and believable as a mother of two who uses the annual ASMI convention as an escape from the limitations of her life – marriage, children, responsibility.  Isiah Whitlock, Jr. is...well, I think he is great in almost everything he has done. 
     The plot involves a few too many crude elements.  This is not to say that I am not of fan of crude humor, but it feels like it was wedged in for the sake of satisfying people who know of Helms only from The Hangover (2009).  This could have been a gem of a subtle, adult comedy; the seeds are there and there was clearly an effort to make it happen.  However, there were too many distractions from the heartwarming material for cheap laughs, or attempts at cheap laughs.
     I liked the cast.  I likes most of the set up.  I just feel that somebody – at some point – felt pressure to go for the lowest common denominator in order to ensure a box office success.  Cedar Rapids should have been a comedy that avoided the pitfalls that have made the last decade's offerings largely unfunny.  It isn't cold and heartless – it is much better than that – but it just could not elevate itself to excellence.  If you haven't seen it, I would recommend giving it a chance.  Just realize that it could have been much better, or much cruder; it just should have chosen a direction and gone all in.

Bad Teacher (2011)

     It struck me rather quickly that Bad Teacher (2011) had assembled a rather good cast and that it might be wasted in a shallow, cynical, largely unfunny comedy.  That turned out to be partially true.  It may have just been that I would have preferred to see a more conventional comedy that allowed Dave 'Gruber' Allen, Lucy Punch, John Michael Higgins, and Jason Segel much more screen time and character development.  It may be that I found most of Cameron Diaz's lines to be delivered in a most unsatisfying way.
     There is a fair amount in Bad Teacher that could work in better hands.  While the cast and crew may be convinced that Diaz is a comic genius, it certainly isn't on display here.  Not only is she about eight years too old for the role of Elizabeth Halsey (this is not a knock on Miss Diaz's looks or fitness, but she is clearly too mature for the set-up her character is given), but she does not give her fellow actors much to work with.  The sole exception seems to be her scenes with Segel, whose character is written to thrive in being ignored and disengaged.  
     The real problem with the movie is that it cannot find a way to make the story of an unlikeable woman's quest to land a man with money interesting.  Never mind that the story is ridiculous, it isn't crafted in such a manner that one can understand how it should drive the story forward.  There isn't even an air of absurdity to allow for increasingly inappropriateness because the film is just so determined to be grounded in relative plausibility.  Further, there is also a problem with trying to work the children into the story when it is well established that Miss Halsey cannot be bothered to learn the names of her students. 
     It seems that a much better film would have largely dealt with the rest of the good-natured and well meaning staff of the school trying to make-up for the short comings of a bad teacher.  It still could have had the Halsey character at the center, but it would have allowed the rest of the cast to have something to do that contributed to the story.  Instead, director Jake Kasden treats his material here the way Miss Halsey approaches teaching: he'll just show a bunch of images and hope that it amounts to something and when its over, he gets enough money to move on to his next project.  I miss when comedies were more about finding the humor or absurdity in situations than in being cold-hearted and cruel.
     Now, I should be honest and admit that the only reason I got around to seeing this is because I became aware that Kathryn Newton (as Chase Rubin-Rossi) was in it; I miss her being one of the bright spots in the short-lived Gary Unmarried (2008-2010).  I was kind of hoping that she – and the other child actors – would be given more to do.  I guess I don't see the point of setting a story largely within a school and not knowing how to involve the children.  Or even how to ignore them properly.

TV Shows That Didn't Change the World

      There is a lot of pretension that comes when people evaluate the TV shows and movies they like.  Many insist that their favorite shows somehow changed the world. Some people have (quite incredibly) made that claim about Firefly (2002), a show that was entertaining but flawed enough that FOX couldn't attract any viewers even with constant promotion (fans who discovered the show on DVD make the claim that FOX killed the show by airing episodes out of order or insisting on a pilot episode that would entice people to want to see more of the show, but as they didn't watch it when it was on I ignore their ill-informed repetitions of other people's opinions).  Likewise, people have made the claim about The Cosby Show (1984-1992) – a show that may have changed Middle America's attitude about black families – but seeing as how I watched about 80% of the first four seasons and all I can remember is that Theo tried listening to MacBeth on a record and Ridy had a friend named Bud, I am not going to treat it as a game changer.
      I would dare say that most of the shows that I spent my time watching were so much fluff that I couldn't ask anyone to believe that they have had any kind of lasting impact or deeper meaning.  Such is the fate of anyone who has dedicated entirely too much time plopped in front of the tube, effectively doing nothing.  But there are some shows of which I am quite fond that never really seemed to get their due.  None of them were high art, ratings darlings, or critically acclaimed.  Still, these shows – all of which aired at some point in the 1990s – that didn't change the world deserve a few words. 

5) Tour of Duty (1987-1990)

     No doubt put on television in an attempt to cash in on the success of Oliver Stone's Platoon (1986), Tour of Duty (1987-1990) started off as a promising in the bush combat show, one that would allow for something beyond the allegory Stone employed.  Unfortunately, cast changes – some due to character death – and altering the tone to allow for soapy romantic interplays (not really necessary in a TV show about how the men of Bravo Company endure the war) robbed the show of its distinctive feel.  Moving the filming location from Hawaii to a Hollywood backlot also made it feel less authentic.
     Still, there is something raw (for the era) about Tour of Duty.  It addresses racial inequity and tension, and not in some kind of enlightened way.  Lt. Goldman (Stephen Caffrey) and SSgt. Anderson (Terrence Knox) may have great affection for their black soldiers, but they take almost no action to limit the racism of the white soldiers; it is the late 1960s and they don't have the answers.  This is a show that aired before "nigger" became the n-word, as is evidenced by it being used on multiple occasions (including in the pilot).
     Sadly, for all the good of Tour of Duty – it has good production values for its era, the action (especially in the first season) is compelling, the characters feel real – it simply feels lifeless once the period appropriate music is removed from it.  So much of the mood is killed that it makes the show seem second rate.  That, and the knowledge that the producers felt a need to compete with ABC's China Beach (1988-1991) for female viewers (not a battle they were going to win) by making it less of a combat-focused show keep it from being an all-time favorite.  But there are more than enough great episodes (mostly from Season One) to keep this show in mind when it comes to thinking about a time when the networks didn't have cable competition and were still willing to take chances.
     I have actually met and had brief conversations with series regular Miguel A. Nuñez, Jr. and guest star Tim Thomerson ("They Good, the Bad, and the Dead", 1987). Both felt that Tour of Duty never got its proper due from critics but that fans – especially those who have served in the military – have continued to be enthusiastic about it even 20 years after its cancellation.  I cannot speak for the critics of the era, but I do know that Tour of Duty started off as a show that was willing to let the soldiers be afraid of the threat of combat and desiring little more than making it through the day in one piece.  It wasn't the rah-rah piece that Combat (1962-67) or Baa Baa Black Sheep (1976-78) were, but it fell short of giving the audience a real feel of the dangers of war (I blame the era) while striving to be more realistic.
     I say give Season One a chance.  Forget that it doesn't have the period music and concentrate on the relationships between the characters or how nothing is ever as simple as a TV show of the time should have had it.

4) The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. (1993-94)

     Back before Bruce Campbell got fat or producer Carlton Cuse found success with Nash Bridges (1996-2001) and Lost (2004-10), there was a show on FOX with cowboys, rockets, and prostitutes.  And it wasn't Firefly.  Sure, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. (1993-94) had some issues balancing the campy humor with western action, but Campbell was perfect as the Harvard educated lawyer who turned bounty hunter to avenge his murdered father.  There were elements of the supernatural and science fiction, but the show mostly existed to give a humorous take on the dime novel stories of cowboys and villains.
     The cast – limited as it was – could not have been better.  Campbell knows how to play charming, bordering on (but stopping short of becoming) smarmy.  Fit and young, he plays the role like a Han Solo in the fading days of the Wild West who is unburdened by a Luke Skywalker.  Filling in the Chewbacca role was Julius Carry's Lord Bowler, though Bowler begins the series as a friendly adversary of Brisco.  Christian Clemenson rounded out the regulars as the uptight lawyer for the Westerfield Club, Socrates Poole.  All seemed to luxuriate in their roles without crossing the line into self-involvement.  Recurring characters like Dixie Cousins (Kelly Rutherford), Professor Wiskwire (John Astin), Whip Morgan (Jeff Philips), Pete Hutter (John Pyper-Ferguson, perhaps the ultimate TV guest star of the 1990s-present), and John Bly (Billy Drago) provided a sense of continuity and always matched the main cast in terms of tenor and tone.
     Brisco County was like the Deadlands RPG without the need for giant monsters or a Southerner's fantasy about the CSA enduring. It debuted in the same season as The X-Files (1993-2002) – and served as the latter's lead-in – and was actually the more enjoyable show of the two.  What The X-Files had was a monster-of-the-week formula it could through in to break up the alien mythology episodes, and that was wholly lacking on television at the time.  Brisco County had the additional burden of people thinking that it was a Western – a genre that draws less interest on television than mild sci-fi – and that kept some people at bay.  I would assume that anyone looking for a traditional Western would have been downright angry at the mix that Brisco County offered.
     I think there are only three or four dud episodes in the single season of Brisco County.  It was on its way to building a much more accessible and compelling mythology than The X-Files or Lost (2004-2010) with the "device" that set most of the events in motion, but Cuse has made public comments about how he imagined a second season of Brisco County would have moved in a different direction, so maybe it is for the best that it is all contained in the 27 episodes.  I only wish that TNT had produced a TV movie for the last adventure of Brisco and Bowler.

3) Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995-99)

     I remember when I was watching the first run of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995-99) that it was rather silly stuff.  And it still is.  But Hercules is much more fun and consistent than its spawn, Xena: Warrior Princess (1996-2000).  Kevin Sorbo was a more likeable lead than Lucy Lawless (at least at that point in her career) and his Hercules didn't need to spend endless episodes making up for his past misdeeds. One can argue that the Action Pack telefilms and Season One offer little reason to invest in Hercules.  Maybe.  But the show does go on to get better.
     It is never high art.  I don't think anyone ever had any illusions that it was supposed to be.  Sorbo and semi-regular Michael Hurst (as Iolaus) do their best to not let the humor undercut the dramatic tension.  Both managed to make the choreographed combats look interesting (if not realistic in any way).  Recurring guests Robert Trebor (as Salmoneus), Bruce Campbell (as Autolycus, King of Thieves), Alexandra Tydings (as Aphrodite), and the late Kevin Smith (as Ares) managed to match the energy and tone of the regulars in such a way that it was surprising to think that they were not always present.
     Given the limited production budget – somewhat maximized from shooting in New Zealand – it is amazing how good most of the episodes look.  Okay, maybe not some of the costuming, and definitely not the wigs and beards that look like they came out of a high school drama department's stash, but the overall photography and set design are well above average.
     Sorbo went on the make the vastly inferior Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda (2000-2005) and is apparently in the process of making a television show that seems eerily similar to My Name is Bruce (2007).  However, he will likely forever be thought of as Hercules.  And with good reason.  It was a fun show that relied almost entirely on the charisma of its star, and to good effect. 

2) Farscape (1999-2003)

     Nobody makes a soft Southern accent in space sexier than Ben Browder, and not in any intentional way.  Browder's John Crichton character is an RPG player's wet dream – the guy who gets to live the adventure and make constant pop-culture references and in-jokes during the action without breaking the mood.  He is the All-American hero, a Ph.D. and Astronaut who is good looking and (on Earth, at least) suave.
     Sure, Farscape (1999-2003) could have used a much larger production budget and less puppetry, but it endures as a quality show nonetheless. Creator Rockne S. O'Bannon and producers Richard Manning, David Kemper, and Robert Halmi, Jr. were never afraid to throw some darkness into the adventures of the earthling cast out amongst an alien universe.  At the same time, there was always a fair amount of humor to be found.
     The only bad things I have to say about Farscape are that there are four or five episodes that do nothing to drive the story forward or develop the characters and that the wrap-up film, Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars (2004) is too compressed to allow for the character interplay that made the show one of the best programs on during its run.  Browder, Claudia Black, Anthony Simcoe, Gigi Edgely, Virginia Hey, Lani John Tupu, Tammy McIntosh, Raelee Hill, Jonathan Hardy (voice), and Wayne Pygram all seem to find something deeper in the characters than what is on the page. 
     I have never been happier to own a series on DVD than I am with Farscape.  I cannot figure out how it was not picked up for a fifth season (the show's producers and the Sci-Fi Channel – now SyFy – could not come to terms on the production costs), yet Stargate SG-1 (1997-2007) ran for ten seasons.  Maybe having a movie tie-in and an established TV star like Richard Dean Anderson makes all the difference in the world.  But Farscape remains one of the better shows that cable television had to offer at the time, and it didn't need to use frequent swearing or gratuitous nudity and sex scenes to impress critics.

1) Friday the 13th: The Series (1987-1990)

     Sure, there is a pale imitation of Friday the 13th: The Series (1987-1990) on the SyFy channel called Warehouse 13 (2009-present), but the latter has a much lighter, comedic tone.  This is not to say that there wasn't humor in the old Friday the 13th: The Series, but not all of it was intentional.  No, Friday the 13th: The Series was about as close to a horror film as one could sell on American television in the late 1980s.
     The set-up is wholly implausible in every regard.  Antique shop owner Louis Vendredi (R.G. Armstrong) makes a deal with the Devil to sell cursed objects that both wreak havoc in the world and deliver the souls of those who use them to, you guessed it, the Devil.  For some reason, Louis decides he doesn't want to do this anymore and that doesn't want sit well wit Satan.  That sets it up for his distant relatives – this is never clearly established and how they are related changes over the course of the series – Micki (Louise Robey) and Ryan (John D. LeMay) to inherit his shop.  They meet former magician/item procurer/WWII hero Jack Marshak (Chris Wiggins) and find out that they have just unleashed a flood of cursed items into the market.
     The rest of the series is supposed to be an effort to limit the damage these relics can cause, recover them and lock them away.  Louis reappears from beyond the grave a few times to menace the trio, but the show focuses much more frequently on the discovery of one of the items sold well before Micki and Ryan took over the shop.  Ryan exits after a two-part episode that is much more evocative of The Omen (1976) than slasher horror, making room for Johnny Ventura (Steven Monarque).
     While Ryan was really the heart of the series, Season Three has some of the best written episodes and the Johnny character may have developed into a compelling one given more time.  Instead, Paramount shut down production when they had enough material to sell the show in half hour installments overseas (under the name "Friday's Curse").  It would have been nice for Friday the 13th: The Series to have come to a proper conclusion, but that wouldn't be fitting for the horror genre.
     The effects may be cheesy.  The stories may use too many shortcuts that seemed obvious even in the era.  But there is something compelling and fun in the show.  It is one that could use a revisit, provided the right casting and respect of the characters as originally written.  Until then, we are left with the homage on SyFy.

The Dead That Walk (2009)

     The Dead that Walk (2009) is – in theory – a collection of zombie stories.  Not being any kind of authority on horror fiction, I can't say that I really went in with the right expectations.  Some of the writers aren't bound to the Romero template for the walking dead, and one (Joe Hill, Stephen King's son) goes so far as to have his zombies as the extras in Dawn of the Dead (1978).  However, it seems that many of the authors decided that a familiarity with the zombie outbreak meant not having to address it themselves.  That proved to be much more problematic that I would have expected.
     Somewhat surprisingly, this was the first time I read several of the better known authors.  I had never read anything by Richard Matheson, Joe R. Lansdale, Clive Barker, and Harlan Ellison®, but had seen material from each developed into feature films.  I hadn't read any Stephen King since Night Shift (1978) and Skeleton Crew (1985) were passed around at Boy Scouts camping trips; I do think I read over half of each as a means of killing time.  Similarly, I had not read any Robert E. Howard since 1990, and that was just the first two Conan stories.  I ended up reading this book because I was curious how Stephen Woodworth would handle something outside his Violets series (discussed here).  Unfortunately, Woodworth's ambitious tale of Nixon coming back from the dead feels both rushed and without a proper set-up.  While not the worst piece in the collection, it certainly will never be considered a "classic" example of genre writing.

There is often a comical element to the walking dead.  Sometimes this can be used to break the tension.  It can also be used to highlight the absurdity of real world conceits.  In short fiction, it often falls flat unless the author commits to it.  This painting is actually for a different book (one whose title spoofs Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon), but it can fit just about any standard zombie tale set outside of the city.

     Some of the stories are so derivative that it is a wonder why there are written.  Is there really such a hunger for zombie fiction that just about any old story will do?  Maybe.  It certainly seems that there are more than a few zombie films that are made with the same thought.  Still, some authors make an attempt to bring something new to the genre.  Ellison® writes what is essentially a short bit suitable for The Twilight Zone (1959-64; 1985-89; 2002-03) or The Outer Limits (1963-65; 1995-2002) with "Sensible City", but it is all set-up and clever twist with no meat in the middle to make it worthwhile.  But there is no explanation as to why there are flesh-hungry monsters in that story, which doesn't work in so brief a format; there shouldn't be more questions from the reveal than the set-up.  Ellison® takes a rather light tone, and his comedy works better than Nancy Holder's in "Zombonia".  The latter feels like a very brief waste of time.
     Most of the stories take place well away from the lights and safety of civilization, bringing the classic feel of horror in the remoteness and lack of ability to appeal for help of any kind.  While I am sure that part of what led Romero to place Night of the Living Dead (1968) in a farmhouse was budgetary concerns, there has not been much in the way – that I have seen or read – depicting the zombie uprising in the heart of the city.  The urban tales in The Dead that Walk take place during the shooting of a zombie movie (Joe Hill's "Bobby Conroy Comes Back from the Dead") or in the strange, alien atmosphere of late Cold War Moscow under siege by the walking dead (Kim Newman's "Amerikanski Dead at the Moscow Morgue"). 

Harlan Ellison® makes mention of Max Ernst's The Nymph Echo (above) in his short story "Sensible City".  Definitely an attempt at something more meaningful than just picturing the ravenous, flesh-hungry zombies.  Unfortunately, Ellison's tale is all set-up and simple, expected twist.  Worse, the set-up doesn't seem to fit the ending.  And – maybe because I just don't get it – there doesn't seem to be a reason for the character who thinks of the painting to have a background in art appreciation.  That seemed to be more about Ellison noting that he was familiar with one of the less disturbing paintings Ernst produced.

     The best stories come from the mos celebrated authors, Stephen King and Robert E. Howard.  Neither feels confined by trappings of the zombie genre – King because he finds it too limiting and with little extra to convey, and Howard because he was dead well before the tropes were established.  King's "Home Delivery" fits in with his little New England universe, and it is so grounded in the human foibles of the central character – characteristics that have nothing to do with a zombie apocalypse – that it could be compelling enough to read as a story devoid of any zombies, aliens, or gratuitous gun play.  Howard, on the other hand, turns the dark swamps of Arkansas into a wild and magical place as anything he penned set in the Hyborian Age.  Editor Stephen Jones gives a warning about the language used (I guess it should be offensive to the modern reader, but it is set in a post Civil War South where people still remember 1845...the language should fit the setting), but for the most part Howard is interested in the compulsions – internal and external – that move the protagonist forward.
     Given how much literature and (arguably) quality non-fiction I have stacked up waiting to be read, it may have been a little irresponsible of me to take a week to read the 24 short stories in The Dead that Walk.  Sure there were some I could have done without.  H.P. Lovecraft's "Cool Air" feels so antiquated that I found it chore to work my way through it (it also does feel like it is a copy of a much more famous story, regardless of where Lovecraft claims to have gained his inspiration).  Brian Keene's "Midnight at the Body Farm" seems to be missing connective sentences, making the extraordinarily short story disjointed in its flow.  Gary McMahon's "Dead to the World" lacks the sense of desperation and loss that would give it the tone the author is clearly trying to set, and it ends up feeling like a zombified take on Cormac McCarthy's The Road (2006) without any of the prose, pacing, or examination of humanity.  The worst in the book is Scott Edelman's "Tell Me Like You Done Before", it being an unfortunate appropriation of characters created by a much better author (in a story that is somewhat beloved).
     If I were really into zombies, I would probably consider picking up this book.  I'm sure dedicated fans wouldn't mind putting out $14.95 (or much less now).  For me, it allowed me to sample several different authors.  Though probably not the best material from any of them, it does explore the genre and the form of the short story.  I'd say it was worth reading, but I doubt I would actively encourage people to seek it out.

Complete List of Stories: (Recommended reading is highlighted)

▸    “Where There’s a Will” by Richard Matheson & Richard Christian Matheson (1980)
▸    “For the Good of All” by Yvonne Navarro (2009)
▸    “The Things He Said” by Michael Marshall Smith (2007)
▸     “The Last Resort” by Mark Samuels (2009)
▸    “Bobby Conroy Comes Back from the Dead” by Joe Hill (2005)
▸    “The Crossing of Aldo Ray” by Weston Ochse (2009)
▸    “Obsequy” by David J. Schow ((2006)
▸    “Zombonia” by Nancy Holder (2009)
▸    “Cool Air” by H.P. Lovecraft (1928)
▸    “Call First” by Ramsey Campbell (1975)
▸    “Joe and Abel in the Field of Rest” by Lisa Morton (2009)
▸    “Midnight at the Body Farm” by Brian Keene (2007)
▸    “Dead to the World” by Gary McMahon (2009)
▸    “The Long Dead Day” by Joe R. Lansdale (2007)
▸    “A Call to Temple” by Kelly Dunn (2009)
▸    “Haeckel’s Tale” by Clive Barker (2005)
▸    “The Rulebook” by Christopher Fowler (2009)
▸    “Black Canaan” by Robert E. Howard (1936)
▸    “The Silent Majority” by Stephen Woodworth (2009)
▸    “Sensible City” by Harlan Ellison® (1994)
▸    “Granny’s Grinning” by Robert Shearman (2009)
▸    “Amerikanski Dead at the Moscow Morgue or: Children of Marx and Coca Cola” by Kim Newman (1999)
▸    “Tell Me Like You Done Before” by Scott Edelman (2009)
▸    “Home Delivery” by Stephen King (1989)

Cop Out (2010)

     Tracy Morgan is poison.  Lethal poison.  Tracy Morgan kills funny.  He is what causes tremors, convulsions, and eventual death to almost all of the scenes he is in, and he is in over 80% of them.  Sure, there is a bit part – a pistol-packing momma who is both unsubtle and unfunny in her odd materialism – that rivals the lack of timing and tone that is necessary in comedy.  Actually, that character would have been out of place in any kind of professional project.  But watching Cop Out (2010), director-for-hire Kevin Smith's wan take on the buddy cop action-comedy, all I could think was that almost any other actor of note would have done a much better job.  Perhaps that is because they would have acted and not just relied on the same lazy persona manufactured for appearances on Saturday Night Live (1975-present).
     The problem isn't so much with the direction – Smith still has some obvious limitations, many related to his ambition in shooting a scene – but with the characters.  Bruce Willis is essentially playing a role one would expect Bruce Willis to play, but other than he apparently has a vindictive ex-wife and a daughter who doesn't understand the value of a dollar (please, ask your middle middle-class father to pay for a $48,000 wedding, 90% of which must have been spent on the reception if we are to judge by what the ceremony looks like).  The other characters don't fair any better when it comes to development, and this is a problem as they shuffle along in this overlong project.  Then again, Smith apparently decided to do most of this project while high on marijuana – because he was inspired by Seth Rogen to do so.  I will mark this in my book as another reason to not like Rogen.  If the accusations that Smith interacted minimally with the cast – a la Stephen King with  Maximum Overdrive (1986) – then this explains how Morgan was allowed to kill every scene and a lack of consistent tone.
     Seann William Scott (looking a little chubby in the sweatshirt) is a parkour master and occasional thief who has the best energy and lines in the film.  Unfortunately, it seems he largely borrowed the shtick used by one-time co-star James Roday uses on Psych (2006-present), albeit with a little more R-rated nastiness.  This is counterbalanced by the scene with the enormously unfunny 11 year old car thief (played by Marcus Morton).  There has been a trend to introduce the foul-mouthed, criminal (or nearly criminal), violent pre-teen black boy [see Seann William Scott's film Role Models (2008) for the most obvious example] as a comical figure.  I want to go on the record as saying that it does nothing positive for me when I see that.. Scott isn't in much of the movie, but neither are Kevin Pollack (giving an awesome but too brief Robert DeNiro impression) and Adam Brody as the other detectives in the story.
     What Cop Out does get right, to some extent, is the music.  Borrowing from 1980s films such as Fletch (1985) for Stephanie Mills' "Bit by Bit" and now ubiquitous Ram Jam cover of "Black Betty", Cop Out sounds like it wants to be an homage to the action comedies of Smith's childhood/adolescence.  Unfortunately, Smith, or more likely writers Robb Cullen and Mark Cullen, did not feel the need to form a complete story into which comedic elements could be sprinkled.  Instead, there are often crass set-ups for unfunny bits (mostly because Morgan is poison) that strain to have anything to do with the three separate plots at play.
     Cop Out isn't a bad looking movie; clearly it had a budget.  It doesn't feel like a Smith project – at least it isn't as angry or upsetting as Rogen's The Green Hornet (2011) – in that it isn't concerned with witty dialogue or the dynamics of friendship.  I don't know if Smith has earned the right to keep working as a director-for-hire.  If this is the effort he thinks is acceptable, maybe he would be better off hosting a talk show.  I know that I have not been enthusiastic about any of his projects since Clerks II (2006), and did not find that movie to be very rewarding.
     But Cop Out isn't really about Smith's deficiencies.  It is about Tracy Morgan.  How he isn't funny and  probably never has been outside of brief appearances on SNL close to a decade ago (and SNL should have a much stronger history of finding talented African American actors than it does).  It is about how a seemingly by-the-numbers script needs the actors to do something with it other than just show up.  But if you had to watch your performance get killed by Morgan every day, 10-15 takes at a time, I'm betting that just showing up would start to look like a victory.

Without Distinction — Revised (2011)

     Not much in the way of changes.  I did check to make sure that the obvious spelling and formatting errors didn't reappear.  Also, I am nearly positive that the height and weights of most the characters shouldn't match the real world inspirations for them.  In that regard I am going to continue with my assertion that all of this is fiction.
     If you haven't read the 2001/2004 version, well you don't need to go back and read it.  There is nothing extra there.  To be fair, there is no real reason for me to make so minor a revision to this script.  An honest look at it would let me rip it to pieces, keeping only a few of the lines I like. 

The inspiration for the Mike character, not so coincidentally named Mike.  I do have a better picture I could have stolen for this, but I didn't want to dig out the photo album and scan it.  I can live with the bad transfer from a yearbook.

 

“Without Distinction”

2011 Revision

Written by

Timothy Allen McNeil

FADE IN:

INT. DORM ROOM – DAY

It is mid-March of 1994. The dormroom is painted a yellowing shade of white. There is a metal window grate over the windows painted in the same shade of paint, but has several chips exposing the black metal. There are two beds in the room, both against the back wall with the windows between the beds. Directly under the windows is a single desk cluttered with papers and notebooks. There are no books on the desk, but there is a telephone with a portable handset. There is a single desk chair at the desk.

There are dressers at the feet of each bed, with the one closer to the door being pulled further away and has a television set and small stereo system on it. The other dresser has a small dorm issued microwave on it. There is a small refrigerator next to this dresser. Just beyond the refrigerator is a sink with two cups on its small back lip, each holding a single toothbrush. There is one tube of toothpaste and a small box of dental floss on the same lip. There is a mirror above the sink. There are small, cheap rugs under each dresser and a large, faux Persian rug in the center of the room.

The walls of the room are largely bare. Above the bed closest to the door is a 2' x 4' piece of corkboard. It is covered with pictures, papers, and artwork. Most out of place on it is a crayon drawn dinosaur signed by Jeffrey in the lower left hand corner. There are several wallet size photos along the right hand edge. There are a couple of small posters (8.5" x 11") are various locations on the wall, including a promotional one for Soul Asylums’s GRAVE DANCERS UNION located in the corner by the far bed.

Opposite the wall with the windows is a large closet (approximately 3' deep and 6' across). The closet doors are painted a shade of pale yellow and have no decorations or adornments. Past the closet is the entrance, with the door recessed back to the depth of the closet.

TWO WOMEN are in the room. AMY, an attractive college freshman (5'4", 105 lbs.; shoulder length brown hair that has a slight curl at the end; green eyes), is standing next to her bed, sorting clothes to be laundered. She is less than enthusiastic about this task. She is dressed in wrinkled t-shirt and sweat pants.

STEPHANIE (5'7", 145 lbs.; curly dirty blonde hair; brown eyes), Amy’s roommate, is seated in a plastic desk chair in the middle of the room watching television. She is dressed to stay in (a none-too-fresh University of Iowa sweatshirt, loose jeans, and slippers).

PHONE RINGS

Amy looks over at Stephanie.

(Amy’s) POV shot of Stephanie watching the television.

Amy drops the clothing in her hand steps towards the desk to answer the telephone. She answers it on the third ring.

                   AMY

              (Immediately pacing about the

              room)

     Hello? ...Okay. So, are you coming over

     now? ...Well, no, probably not for a

     while, but that doesn’t mean........No,

     then.....Can I speak now? Okay?...

     Listen, do whatever you want. I’ll be

     here, though, so if Mike and his frat

     brother still want to do something...

     Fine, put him on.

Amy looks pleadingly over to Stephanie.

(Amy’s) POV shot of Stephanie still watching the television. Stephanie looks up for a second and slightly shakes her head.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     Hey. ...No, I’m good, I’m fine actually.

     ....Yeah, hey, is he being an asshole to

     you, too? ...Lucky you. Are we still on

     for tonight?

Amy picks up a CD case next to the stereo with her spare hand and pretends to be interested in it.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     No, she’s going out tonight. ...I doubt

     it. Because Polly’s coming in to visit.

     ....Yeah, it’s spring break for them,

     too. ...Probably some sorority thing.

     You can understand that, Mr. Beta-Sigma-

     Psi. Why don’t you just come over now?

Amy sets the CD case back near the stereo and walks over toward the closet.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     No. No, don’t ask him...

Amy covers her face with her left hand and drops to her knees in exasperation. She runs her left hand through her hair as she slowly rises to her feet.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     Of course he doesn’t. ....You ask him if

     you’re that concerned about it. It isn’t

     as though.....exactly. ...I don’t know,

     then. Come over in about an hour. ....

     Because I have some things I can be

     doing and you haven’t seen him in a

     while. ...Fine. Goodbye.

Amy turns off the phone and places it back in its cradle. She turns back to her bed.

(Amy’s) POV shot of laundry covering bed.

                   STEPHANIE (O.S.)

     Tim?

                   AMY

              (picking at clothes)

     What?

                   STEPHANIE

     That was Tim?

                   AMY

     Yeah. And Mike.

                   STEPHANIE

              (grinning)

     I thought Tim didn’t call you. I know he

     has a standing appointment to stop by

     once a week, sometimes more than that.

     But I don’t think he’s ever called here

     before.

                   AMY

     Yeah, well I got wrangled into showing

     Mike and his friend a good time. Tim

     just wanted to know what time they

     should be here.

                   STEPHANIE

     That is the most inaccurate use of the

     word “just” I have ever heard.

                   AMY

              (raising voice slightly)

     Shut up, Steph. Things aren’t all that

     great between Tim and me right now.

                   STEPHANIE

     Right now? Okay. I imagine that whole

     stalker – stalkee relationship is a hard

     one to manage.

                   AMY

              (softer tone)

     He’s not like that anymore. It’s just

     that...

                   STEPHANIE

     What? Is Greg giving you a hard time

     about him? I though he and Tim settled

     their problems months ago. Unless Greg

     still doesn’t trust him.

                   AMY

     I can’t imagine that he and Greg have

     had any discussion on the matter. If

     they had, I’m sure I would have been

     given some grief – extra grief – by one

     of them. I can’t say I don’t understand

     Greg’s concern. I guess he thinks I

     shouldn’t be sleeping with other guys

     while and we’re going out...even if we

     are three hours apart.

Stephanie turns from TV and looks at Amy, wide-eyed.

                   STEPHANIE

     Did I miss something?

Amy drops clothes and turns to face Stephanie.

                   AMY

     What? No! God, Stephanie, you think I’m–

                   STEPHANIE

     Don’t even try that with me, Amy. You

     want to protest that issue, you better

     do it with someone who knows a whole

     hell of a lot less than I do. Speaking

     of which, Tim’s seemed fine around me.

     So what’s the problem between the two of

     you now?

Amy looks away and refuse to make eye contact with Stephanie.

                   AMY

     I don’t know. I don’t think either of us

     know how to be friends, what with how

     much there is between us. Whatever it is

     that is between us. We haven’t defined

     it. It’s like we are...we are...I don’t

     know. And he should either...

                   STEPHANIE

     Shit or get off the pot?

Amy turns back to face Stephanie. She is smiling.

                   AMY

     Oh, that’s tasteful.

                   STEPHANIE

     Okay. Fuck or walk.

Amy stifles a laugh. She turns back toward her bed.

                   AMY

     I’m suddenly very happy you are going to

     be out tonight. I don’t want somebody

     around who is going to put the choice

     to him in such a stark manner.

                   STEPHANIE

     I’ll bet. So, we’ll be out and you can

     have the room to yourselves. But what

     will you do with Mike?

Amy spins around a glares at Stephanie.

(CU) Amy’s eyes.

Stephanie offers up a “no offense” gesture as she rises out of her chair. She walks over to her bed and sits, facing Amy.

                   STEPHANIE

     I’m kidding, Amy. Listen, I’m not

     against you and Greg. And it isn’t like

     Tim is anyone’s idea of the perfect guy.

     But he’s here and obviously interested.

     Maybe you should make the call on

     whether anything is going to happen or

     not. ...I mean, if the best way he can

     show you how he feels is by bringing a

     porno over for you to watch—

Amy points an accusatory finger at Stephanie.

                   AMY

     Hey, that was for you.

                   STEPHANIE

     I’m so sure it wasn’t.

Amy relaxes and sits on her bed facing Stephanie.

                   AMY

     Don’t give me that. You told him that

     you had never seen one before. That’s

     why he brought it over. Granted, it

     didn’t help matters that we played it

     right away.

                   STEPHANIE

     You’re the one who was eager to put it

     in the VCR as soon as you saw it. And it

     probably didn’t help that we let

     everyone on the floor wander in and

     watch some. Or that we kept repeating

     that line.

                   AMY

              (slightly laughing)

     Yeah. “Play with my la-bi-a.”

Stephanie laughs. She reaches out and squeezes Amy’s hand.

                   STEPHANIE

     It might be time to stop dealing with

     him with kid gloves. He’s a big boy. He

     can take it. Probably. Maybe.

                   AMY

     Tim is not like everyone else, Steph.

     I mean, he thinks he’s being respectful

     when he refers to people as mister or

     miss and their last names.

                   STEPHANIE

     That is a little weird, but it is kind

     of a guy thing. Calling people by their

     last names, anyway.

                   AMY

     But it isn’t just that. He’s perfectly

     fine just sitting here quietly, out of

     the way, and listening to us babble on

     about meaningless shit.

                   STEPHANIE

     That could be from being a stalker.

                   AMY

     That’s not funny, Steph. It’s just that

     he’s gone so far to get my attention,

     and now that he has it, he won’t come

     out and just say what it is he wants. Or

     if I knew he was just fucking nuts.

                   STEPHANIE

     Would it matter?

Amy looks quizzically at Stephanie.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     If he told you what he wanted, not if

     he’s crazy.

                   AMY

     It would let me know just what he wants.

     It would help us sort through all of

     this shit.

                   STEPHANIE

     That’s not what I meant. Would it get

     him any closer to what he wants.

Amy fall back on her bed and throws her hands in the air in exasperation.

                   AMY

     I don’t know what he wants!

Stephanie reaches up and grabs a pillow. She throws it at Amy.

Amy bats it away and sit back up.

                   STEPHANIE

     Yeah, you do. I think you just have to

     decide if you’re willing to tell him

     that you know and that it’s okay.

Amy reaches for pillow and throws it back at Stephanie.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     Or not.

                   AMY

     Yeah. You try doing that and get back to

     me on how well it went.

KNOCKING at door.

Amy slowly gets up from her bed.

Stephanie smiles at Amy and gets up from her bed. She walks over to the door and opens it.

(Stephanie’s) POV shot of door opening, revealing POLLY, a short but happy freshman from the University of Illinois (5', 115 lbs.; loosely curled black hair extends just past her shoulder; brown eyes). She is wearing a light winter coat and carrying a travel bag.

Polly steps into the room. She and Stephanie hug.

                   POLLY and STEPHANIE

              (simultaneously)

     Hi!

Polly steps back and sets down he bag. She shifts on her feet while speaking.

                   POLLY

     Hey, guess what? You know that guy I

     told you about...Matt? He’s here. Isn’t

     that great?

Stephanie smiles but shrugs at the same time.

Amy walks towards Polly but is shaking her head.

                   POLLY

     Hey, Amy.

Polly looks back at the door way before Amy can respond.

                   AMY

              (weakly)

     Hey.

MATT, a boyish University of Illinois freshman (5'9", 150 lbs.; short brown hair) enters. He is carrying more bags and wearing a bulky winter coat and scarf. His gelled hair is mussed from wearing a knit hat, which is sticking out of one of his jacket pockets.

                   POLLY

     Honey, these are my friends. This is

     Stephanie.

Polly indicates Stephanie.

Matt attempts to extend his right hand to shake but cannot do so because it is restricted by a bag strap.

Stephanie steps forward to shake, but helps Matt remove the bag from his right arm first. The two tentatively shake.

Polly takes another bag from Matt and cheerfully shakes him by the shoulders.

                   MATT

              (almost mumbling)

     Hey. Stephanie. I’m Matt.

                   STEPHANIE

     Hey, Matt. Wow...Polly has told me a lot

     about you. I’m really glad you could

     make it out.

Matt blushes and looks at his feet.

Polly grabs the bags and moves them out of the way.

                   MATT

     Yeah.

Polly settles next to Matt and hugs him close. She directs Matt’s attention to Amy.

                   POLLY

     And this is Amy.

Matt looks at Amy and then quickly looks away.

Amy gives Matt a vague wave and turns back to face her bed. She begins to pick through her clothes again.

                   STEPHANIE

              (to Polly, in low tones)

     Away for the weekend together, huh?

     What would your parents say?

Polly and Matt both blush. Matt suddenly becomes uncomfortable being so close to Polly and tries to pull away.

Polly playfully pushed Stephanie.

Stephanie laughs.

Matt relaxes.

                   STEPHANIE

     No, I think it’s great, Polly. It’s not

     like we’re under the watchful eye of

     parental authority. We can do whatever

     the hell we want. ...At least you’ve

     found someone.

Polly looks over Stephanie’s shoulder at Amy.

(Polly’s) POV shot of Amy sorting clothes on bed.

                   POLLY (O.S.)

     What, some crazy guy hasn’t latched onto

     you yet?

                   STEPHANIE (O.S.)

     Jesus, Polly. I have to live with her.

Amy looks up at the three and listens.

(Amy’s) POV shot of Polly, Stephanie, and Matt.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     Besides, there are a multitude of guys

     worse than him out there. There is this

     one guy she says...

Polly looks at Amy and then back to Stephanie. Stephanie quickly changes the subject.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

I just don’t know if I’ll find someone

     as good for me as Matt, here.

Stephanie reaches out and gives Matt a playful shake.

Matt flinches and tenses up again.

Polly smiles briefly then becomes serious.

                   POLLY

     That’s the other thing, Steph. We didn’t

     ...we didn’t come here alone.

                   STEPHANIE

     What? Who else did you bring?

Polly shifts her feet and leans into Matt for support.

                   POLLY

     See, she said the that roads might be

     bad because of the weather. And that

     Matt and I might want some time for just

     the two of us. And...

Polly looks to Matt.

Matt looks into Polly’s eyes. He slowly turns his head to face Stephanie.

                   STEPHANIE

     She said you were all close. You, and

     Polly, and Amy. ...She said that you

     would be happy to see her.

Matt turns his head back toward the still open doorway.

(Matt’s) POV shot of INGRID (5'5", 100 lbs.; short blonde hair; blue eyes), a self-assured, if cold & vindictive University of Illinois freshman, entering the room. She is wearing a light winter coat and a small overnight bag.

She hands the bag to Matt and begins to take of her coat.

                   INGRID

              (to herself)

     Don’t overwhelm me with the warmth of

     your greeting.

Matt puts her bag with the others and takes Ingrid’s coat. He helps Polly take off her coat. He then looks for somewhere to put them.

Stephanie points out the closet and Matt goes over and hangs up the coats. He takes his own off but folds it over his arm.

                   INGRID

              (excitedly)

     Hey, Steph! Surprised to see me?

Amy’s head snaps up. She spins around to see

INGRID

and drops whatever clothes she was holding.

                   STEPHANIE

Yeah. More than a little surprised. I

thought you had to go home for a family

     vacation.

                   INGRID

     Nope. That’s not until summer.

Stephanie laughs nervously. She looks back at Amy.

Amy gives up on her laundry and moves over toward Matt. She takes his coat and hangs it up. Amy remains next to the closet.

Matt quickly moves back over to Polly.

Ingrid briefly looks over at Amy then turns her attention back to Stephanie.

                   STEPHANIE

     So you decided to pay us a visit? Okay.

     We can make room for you.

                   INGRID

     Oh, come on, Steph. We can’t be so

     insensitive to Matt.

Ingrid looks over to Amy.

                   INGRID (CONT’D)

     Amy, you know what I’m talking about.

     What is he supposed to do if you and

     Stephanie monopolize Polly’s time the

     whole weekend?

                   AMY

              (dryly)

     Yeah. You’re all kinds of conscientious,

     aren’t you, Ingrid?

Ingrid smiles wickedly and makes a cat claw swiping motion.

                   INGRID

     Really, Amy. I know for a fact that you

     let people of far lower character than

     me into this room with great frequency.

     What? Am I ruing your plans for the

     weekend?

Amy leans against the wall and lolls her head back.

                   AMY

     God, I hope not. I’d like to think that

     you’d have better things to do than to

     drive five hours with the meager hope of

     the chance to ruin somebody else’s good

     time.

                   INGRID

     Yeah, tell me about it. Though I would

     like to think that when it comes to

     driving for hours and having a good time

     you would be thinking about someone

     else. Someone whose school is a couple

     of hours closer. Especially if it’s a

     really good time. ...I’m just here to

     enjoy some Iowa ambience and spend some

     time with my friends. Is that so bad,

     Amy? You remember that you and I are

     friends, right?

Stephanie sighs and steps between Ingrid and Amy. She is noticeably uneasy.

                   STEPHANIE

     Come on, you two. Lighten up. Ingrid’s

     probably just worn out from the drive.

     And Ingrid, Amy doesn’t need to be

     reminded that Greg isn’t here this

     weekend.

Ingrid looks askance at Stephanie.

Amy huffs and looks away.

Ingrid looks at Amy.

                   INGRID

     Works out, though. Doesn’t it? I mean,

     it would be really crowded with all of

     us and Greg. And then none of us would

     get to spend any time with you, Amy.

     ....So, what are we doing tonight?

Amy pushes off the wall and stalks back toward her bed.

                   AMY

     I’m sure I have no idea. Stephanie made

     the plans for what she and Polly were

     going to be doing tonight.

                   POLLY

     You aren’t going out with us, Amy? Why

     not?

                   INGRID

     Something better planned?

Matt (POV) looks from Amy to Ingrid to Polly. He then looks back at his shoes.

                   MATT

              (mumbling)

     Maybe she has some schoolwork to do.

     It’s okay. We can still do...whatever.

                   STEPHANIE

     Yeah. Come on, Ingrid. We can still have

     a good time. The ZTA house is having a

     low-key thing tonight. Just members and

     a few guests.

Ingrid shakes her head and grins.

                   INGRID

     I don’t know. Maybe you were right

     before, Steph. Maybe I’m worn out from

     the drive. It might be nice to just

     spend the night relaxing and catching

     up.

                   STEPHANIE

     Amy isn’t going to be in tonight.

Amy glares at Stephanie.

Stephanie weakly smiles.

Ingrid glances back and forth at the roommates, still grinning.

                   INGRID

     So what are you doing then, Amy?

Amy starts to speak but stops. She sighs, looks away and then back at Ingrid.

                   AMY

     Actually, if you really need to know,

     I’m supposed to be playing babysitter

     for some guys in from Iowa State.

     ...They don’t know where anything is in

     town and I’m supposed to take them to a

     few parties.

                   POLLY

     Just some guys from ISU?

Amy shakes her head.

                   POLLY (CONT’D)

     Who, then?

Amy and Stephanie share a knowing glance.

                   AMY

              (looking at Ingrid)

     Is it someone you know? Yeah. One of

     them, anyway. Mike. And one of his

     fraternity brothers.

                    INGRID

     Mike? Mike who?

Ingrid’s eyes go wide and her jaw slack as she realizes which Mike.

                   INGRID

     Really? Just when I though things

     couldn’t get anymore interesting.

Amy spins around in a huff.

Stephanie half steps towards Amy and shoots an angry look at Ingrid.

Polly tires to step between Amy and Ingrid but is restrained by Matt.

                   POLLY

     Ingrid, come on. Back off a little.

                   INGRID

              (looking at Amy)

     Is this something you want to endorse,

     Polly? I mean, now that you have

     someone—

Amy turns back to face Ingrid and interrupts her.

                   AMY

     How’s that going for you, Ingrid?

Ingrid grimaces, nods her head, and takes a step back.

                   INGRID

     This isn’t about me and you know it. I

     thought we has this conversation before.

     You know how I feel about Tim. And now

     you’ve gone and gotten yourself involved

     with Mike?

                   AMY

     Mike’s just a friend.

(Over the next few lines, Amy interrupts Ingrid multiple times. Ingrid does not pause.)

                   INGRID

     Yeah. He’s somebody’s friend. He’s Tim’s

     friend. He knew—

                   AMY

     —I know, Ingrid—

                   INGRID

     —about the letters. He and Tim—

                   AMY

     —I know, Ingrid—

                   INGRID

     —have been friends since forever. And no

     matter why you’ve gotten yourself

     involved—

                   AMY

     —I fucking get it, Ingrid!—

                   INGRID

     —with Mike, it’s going to come back to

     being about Tim. And it’s going to fuck

     up your relationship with Greg.

                   AMY

              (deliberately)

     I have never done anything to threaten

     my relationship with Greg.

Matt leans forward.

                   MATT

     I think...maybe we should just wait

     outside. This doesn’t really concern us.

Ingrid cocks her head toward Matt.

                   INGRID

     No, Matt. It doesn’t concern you. Your

     interest here goes about as far as Polly

     will let you get into her pants.

                   STEPHANIE

     Ingrid!

Polly looks shocked and blushes.

Matt is half-angry, half-confused. He looks about for cues as to whether he should speak up in defense of his honor.

                   INGRID

              (unapologetic)

     Fine. Sorry. But I’m not the bad guy

     here.

                   AMY

     You’re not the altruistic friend,

     either, Ingrid. You really do derive

     some kind of perverse pleasure from all

     of this, don’t you?

Ingrid softens a little.

                   INGRID

     No, Amy. I don’t. I’m sorry if it seems

     that I do, but this all has an air of

     absurdity to it now. This is a nightmare

     that has gone on too damn long. Being

     trapped and having to deal with him in

     high school is one thing, but to keep

     it up now is some sort of endorsement of

     the situation. 

                   AMY

     It is none of your goddamn business,

     Ingrid. What the fuck do you care who I

     spend my time with? I don’t think he

     wants to hang around with you, either. I

     don’t even know if he knows who you are.

Polly laughs briefly. She looks apologetically at Amy.

                   POLLY

     Oh, I think he knows who Ingrid is. I

     mean, how many people go around

     indiscriminately attacking his character

     and impugning his honor? He does have

     friends. It must have gotten back to

     him.

                   INGRID

     Why is that my fault? All I did was not

     keep silent on a subject where everyone

     knows what is going on. Maybe if any of

     you had the courage to confront him, all

     this bullshit would be over by now.

                   MATT

              (to no one in particular)

     Well, I know now. ...I can think of

     better topics of conversation. But if

     what she says is true...he sounds kind

     of scary.

                   POLLY

     Tim is most definitely not scary. A

     little odd, sure, but he’s been like

     that since grade school.

                   MATT

     I just know what I heard.

                   AMY

     You only heard what Ingrid had to say.

     If I believed everything I heard, I

     would be convinced that you’re a virgin

     who’s as desperate to get laid as is

     humanly possible. But having met you, I

     can see that isn’t the case. You’re just

     a little afraid of girls. And there’s a

     bit of a difference between the two,

     isn’t there?

All shift awkwardly as silence builds.

Stephanie claps her hands and forces a smile.

                   STEPHANIE

     Well, this is shaping up to be a

     delightful evening. Can we stop with the

     personal attacks?

                   POLLY

     Yeah. And it probably isn’t a good idea

     for all of us to stay in. Not if it’s

     going to be like this.

                   AMY

     Dammit, Polly. I don’t want to be

     responsible for ruining anyone’s

     evening.

                   INGRID

     You sure you don’t want to blame me for

     that?

Matt chuckles but hides his head in his chest.

Amy huffs.

Stephanie steps forward in between Amy and Ingrid.

                   STEPHANIE

     We’re done with that, Ingrid. ...We

     need to decide what we’re going to do

     about tonight.

              (to Ingrid and Polly)

     We can still go out...or we can stay in

     and just swap stories right here.

              (to Amy)

     Okay? ...Why don’t you get ready for the

     guys? You still have some time.

Amy (POV) looks back at her bed, then Ingrid, and then at Stephanie.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     I don’t think anyone is that concerned

     with your laundry. ...We can stay if you

     want.

                   AMY

     Do whatever you want, Steph. I’ll deal

     with them when they get here.

                                                CUT TO

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

TIM, a short, heavy freshman (5'6", 160 lbs.; raggedy brown hair with an underdeveloped beard; hazel eyes) wearing a worn U.S. Army jacket, a Detroit Tigers baseball cap, dark blue jeans, and hiking boots (with worn and damaged laces on the left boot) is walking with two other FIGURES down the streets of Iowa City. They are: MIKE, a tall, athletically built freshman (6'3", 165 lbs.; short light brown hair; blue eyes) who is wearing old, out of date clothes and a work coat, and CRAIG (6', 210 lbs.; dirty blonde hair; light brown eyes), a somewhat dazed sophomore who is wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, cargo shorts, and sandals. Mike is behind Tim’s left shoulder. Craig is further back, behind Tim’s right shoulder.

They are having a conversation as they approach Burge Hall, a dormitory.

                   MIKE

     ...no, she totally believed me.

                   TIM

     That’s because the Cyclones suck at

     football. You could probably convince

     half of the people here that you played

     in the Iowa - Iowa State game.

                   CRAIG

     That’s not the funniest one, though.

     Dude, tell him about the girl from the

     Subway.

                   MIKE

     No. She was just dumb.

                   CRAIG

     Oh, come on. Tell him.

                   TIM

     This isn’t going to live up to the

     billing, is it?

                   MIKE

     All that happened was I told a girl at

     Subway that I bruised my ovary and she

     said, “guys have those?”

                   CRAIG

     That’s hilarious. That has to be the

     funniest thing I have ever born witness

     to.

                   TIM

     That is kind of sad, then, Craig.

                   CRAIG

     What are you trying to say.

The three walk into Burge Hall.

                                                CUT TO

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

                   TIM

     I can’t believe that neither of you are

     smart enough to follow written

     directions.

Tim stops.

Mike and Craig catch up to Tim and then stop.

Tim looks over his shoulder to Mike.

                   TIM (CONT’D)

     Okay. I can’t believe you can’t follow

     directions.

Craig feigns being hurt. He clutches his light jacket to his body.

                   MIKE

              (to Tim)

     Don’t even give me that. You don’t know

     the names of any of the streets. You

     would have me wander around a strange

     college town looking for a particular

     dormitory? From what you told me, you

     couldn’t even find your classes the

     first day.

Craig chuckles.

                   CRAIG

     You couldn’t even find the school? What

     are you, some kind of stupid?

Tim starts walking again.

                   TIM

              (looking forward)

     At least I can read, Craig. But, for the

     record, I had trouble finding where one

     of my classes was supposed to be when I

     went looking for it the Sunday before

     classes started.  Yeah, it made me feel

     kind of stupid, but seeing as how I had

     no orientation and couldn’t just follow

     the herd of other students out of a

     dorm, I think it isn’t as bad as it

     sounds at first.

Mike and Craig follow Tim.

                   CRAIG

     Well, at first it makes you sound like

     an idiot who can’t find where he’s

     supposed to go.

                   TIM

     And I’d like to think, given all the

     facts, it doesn’t sound that bad. Just

     like how, at initial examination, your

     inability to follow slightly incomplete

     directions makes me think you don’t have

     the mental faculties to get through

     life.

                   CRAIG        

     I know enough to be able to recognize

     the kind of beer and porn I like. What

     more do I need in life?

Tim looks over his shoulder at Mike.

                   TIM

     He’s a winner.

                   MIKE

     You act like this is some kind of huge

     imposition on you. What did you have

     planned for tonight? Sit at home and

     watch TV?

                   TIM

     They don’t call it “must see” for

     nothing.

Craig rolls his eyes. He thumps his chest and stresses the word “us.”

                   CRAIG

     Who are you to complain about it?

     There’s no party without us.

                   TIM

     That would be a shame. You would have to

     sit in my apartment, drink my roommates’

     Beer and drool over their Playboys.

                   CRAIG

     Yeah. That isn’t that bad, either. I’m

     not ruling that out as a back-up plan.

Mike reaches out and grabs Tim by the arm. Both stop. Tim turns to face Mike.

Craig stops shortly thereafter.

                   MIKE

     Seriously, why is this a problem for

     you? It’s not like you’re not over here

     every week.

                   TIM

     Not the last couple of weeks. Not to see

     her, anyway. I got out of there before

     she came back. And that was only to get

     my copy of “The Princess Bride” back

     from Stephanie.

Tim turns and starts walking again. Mike and Craig follow.

                   MIKE

     So...you’re avoiding her? That would be

     productive.

                   TIM

              (quietly)

     Something happened.

                   MIKE

     Really? Something actually happened?

     Well, praise be and ring the bells. You

     actually did something.

                   TIM

     No, I didn’t.

                   MIKE

     Why the hell not?

                   TIM

     Because I’m not like you. I’m not going

     to throw back a few beers and forget

     about how my actions affect other

     people. You may think that cheating on

     your girlfriend isn’t a big deal, but

     I’m not going to put somebody else in

     that position. I’m not going to be that

     guy.

                   CRAIG

     What a fuckin’ boy scout.

Tim stops. Mike and Craig stop immediately after. Tim turns to face them both.

                   TIM

     Mike and I were both in the Boy Scouts,

     Craig. I took some of that oath to

     heart. There is something to being

     respectful of others, in not being out

     for yourself above all else.

                   MIKE

              (to Tim)

     That doesn’t mean you have to be

     joyless. You don’t have to be such a wet

     fucking blanket. Having a beer isn’t

     going to kill you.

Tim grimaces.

                   MIKE (CONT’D)

     You wouldn’t even call her.

                   TIM

     I wouldn’t call to make plans for you.

     And I’m not really sure why I had to

     call to verify those plans. You’re under

     the delusion that you and Amy are

     friends. You fancy yourself a lady’s

     man. I would think that you would have

     little need for me in this scenario.

                   CRAIG

     Hear-hear.

                   MIKE

     They aren’t my plans. It isn’t me and

     her—

                   TIM

              (jokingly)

     —She and I.

                   MIKE

              (jokingly)

     Fuck you, too.

              (normal)

     It isn’t excluding you. It isn’t about

     taking her away from you. It’s about

     having a good time with friends. And

     it’s “she and me” anyway.

                   CRAIG

              (to Tim, in an annoying tone)

     Don’t you want to be my friend?

                   TIM

              (to Mike)

     My mind is made up, okay? And it’s

     either “she and I” or “her and me,”

     depending on whether it’s the subject or

     the object of the sentence.

                   MIKE

     Jesus Christ, you anal retentive

     bastard! I just want to go to a few

     parties or something. I don’t think

     that’s too much to ask.

                    CRAIG

     Nothing wrong with fun.

                   TIM

              (to Mike)

     You made these plans with her. She knows

     you’re coming. My job is just to deliver

     you and leave.

Tim starts walking again. Mike and Craig immediately follow.

                   MIKE

     What the fuck, Tim? I thought all that

     petty shit was behind the two of you. So

     unless you actually have something

     better planned you should come out with

     us. ...Have some fun, for Christ’s sake.

     Besides, won’t it just piss her off if

     you’re not there with us?

Tim offers up a weak smile and shakes his head.

                   TIM

     I don’t think so. I can honestly say

     that she and I have never gone out or

     even made plans to go out to do

     something. The limits of my privileges

     in her life has been to be allowed the

     occasional visit. Things aren’t even

     accommodating that right now.

Tim stops in front of a door. The number on it reads

4200

Craig shifts back and forth uneasily waiting for Tim to knock.

                   MIKE

     So? Change them. That is why you came

     here. Yeah, you’re an English major and

     this is Iowa. But you’re here because of

     her. So spend tonight with her and have

     a good time.

Tim takes off his hat and brushes back his hair. He sighs and looks Mike in the eye.

                   TIM

     I’m also here because no other school

     would take me. Besides, “fun” means

     different things to you and me.

Tim reaches out his left hand to the door. There is a

TATTOO

“99%” written beneath his thumb.

(CU) He stretches out his fingers and touches the door. He slowly curls his fingers into a fist and pounds the door three times.

                   MIKE

              (under his breath)

     I don’t think you have any idea what fun

     is. Or happiness.

Door opens. Tim is face to face with

STEPHANIE

Tim straightens up.

                   STEPHANIE

     Tim? ...Come on in.

(Craig’s) POV of Tim and Mike walking into room. Stephanie backs away to where Polly, Ingrid, and Matt are. Craig follows.

                                           SCENE BECOMES

INT. DORM ROOM — NIGHT

Polly, Matt, and Ingrid are sitting on sleeping bags laid upon the floor. They are watching television.

Stephanie shrugs as she looks from Mike to Tim. She motions them toward the two chairs in the room. One of the chairs is occupied with various school related object.

Stephanie forces a smile.

                   STEPHANIE

     Have a seat.

(Camera pans) Craig looks to Mike, Mike looks to Tim. Tim closes his eyes and shakes his head.

Mike pats Craig on the shoulder.

                   MIKE

     All yours.

Craig cautiously moves toward the open chair.

Stephanie happily turns and walks to her bed. She plops down upon it and half turns toward the television.

Matt acts as though he is oblivious to the new arrivals. Polly is comfortable in Matt’s arms, but becomes distracted by Ingrid’s reaction to Tim’s arrival.

Ingrid tenses up.

                   INGRID

              (quietly, to Polly)

     I told you. I fucking told you.

Mike looks back to Tim and smiles.

Tim hangs his head and steps closer to Mike.

                   TIM

     Just sit down, okay?

Mike jumps a little. He creeps over to Amy’s bed which is still covered with clothes. He sits at the mid point of the bed and spins so that he is lying down with his head on the pillow.

Mike puts his hands behind his head and smiles broadly.

Tim retreats to be near the door.

                   POLLY

              (quietly, to Ingrid)

     Didn’t see that coming, did you?

                   INGRID

              (quietly, to Polly)

     Oh, this was worth the drive.

                  

                                                CUT TO

INT. DORMITORY WASHROOM — NIGHT

Amy is in a shower stall. The water is on. Amy is facing the shower head. Shot is from the small of her back up.

Shot slowly tightens as it raises to her head and shoulders.

Amy turns to face camera. She is crying. She pushes hair away from her face. She slumps against back wall and slides down into a crouch; arms conveniently cover her breasts. She sniffs meaningfully.

(CU) Amy’s face. She wipes her eyes.

                   AMY

     No. Not over this. I’m not going to cry

     over this.

Amy sighs. She looks up and has to close her eyes because of the spray. She offers a light laugh.

                                           BACK TO SCENE

Tim exhales and checks his watch. He gets Stephanie’s attention.

                   TIM

              (half-asking)

     You can take it from here.

Stephanie looks shocked and rises from her bed. She meets Tim by the door.

                   TIM

     What?

                   STEPHANIE

     Where do you think you’re going?

                   TIM

     What do you want from me?

                   STEPHANIE

     You can’t leave before she gets back.

Camera pans over to Polly, Ingrid, and Matt.

Ingrid leans over to Polly.

                   INGRID

              (quietly, to Polly)

     What is she doing?

                   POLLY

              (quietly, to Ingrid)

     I think she is asking him to wait for

     Amy.

Camera pans back to Tim and Stephanie.

Tim smirks but doesn’t look Stephanie in the eye.

                   TIM

     I don’t need to be here.

                   STEPHANIE

     Mike’s your friend.

                   TIM

     Yeah, he is. But Amy invited him here. I

     was supposed to drop him off.

(Tim’s) POV – Mike is reading a shirt on Amy’s bed.

                   TIM (CONT’D) 

     There he is...dropped off.

Stephanie looks confused.

                   STEPHANIE

     What about his friend? I don’t know him.

                   TIM

              (raises his voice)

     I don’t know him, either.

Tim composes himself.

                   TIM (CONT’D)

     And I don’t know what I’m supposed    to be

     doing here. I was supposed to bring Mike

     over. He was invited tonight, not me. He

     and Craig.

                   STEPHANIE

     She said that? Or do you believe it

     because she told Mike you were acting

     like an ass?

                   TIM

     She isn’t going to want me here, okay.

     That’s a good enough reason for me to

     go.

Camera pans back to Ingrid & Polly.

                   POLLY

              (quietly, to Ingrid)

     I wonder why she doesn’t just let him go

     if he wants to go.

                   INGRID

              (quietly, to Polly)

     I think there is something that we

     missed. She’s hiding and he’s running.

     What does that say to you?

Polly shrugs.

Matt pulls Polly close and shushes the two young women.

Camera pans over to Craig. He is picking at something caught in the tread of his sandal. He looks very bored.

                   CRAIG

              (to Mike)

     What’s going on?

Mike shrugs.

                   CRAIG (CONT’D)

     I don’t know anybody here.

Mike sits up and gets Stephanie’s attention.

                   MIKE

     I’m sorry. This is my fraternity

     brother, Craig.

(Mike’s) POV – pan of the room. Everyone looks confused as to what Mike is doing.

                   MIKE (CONT’D)

     We’re just in town for the night. We

     wanted to go out...go to some parties or

     something...Amy was supposed to meet us

     here.

                   STEPHANIE

              (to Craig)

     Nice to meet you, Craig. I’m Stephanie.

Stephanie slowly makes her way across the room and back to her bed. She introduces Polly, Matt, and Ingrid on the way.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     This is Polly. And this is Matt, her

     boyfriend. And this is Ingrid.

Tim’s head snaps up. He glares angrily at Stephanie, who is not facing him.

Tim looks to Mike. Mike barely shrugs.

Stephanie reaches her bed and sits back down.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     Matt, this is Craig, Mike, and Tim. I’ve

     known Mike and Tim since grade school.

Matt looks to Ingrid and then to the three guys.

                   MATT

     Hey. Mike? Craig?

Matt cautiously looks over to Tim.

                   MATT (CONT’D)

     Tim? ...You’re Tim, huh?

                   TIM

          (Sensing that he has already been

          discussed)

     Yeah.

                   INGRID

           (very quietly, anticipating Matt’s answer)

     Oh. I’ve heard so much about you.

Matt flinches a little at Ingrid’s remark.

                   MATT

     Well...hey. I guess the rest of you

     already know one another, then.

Ingrid smiles evilly.

                   INGRID

     Yes, except for...

Craig nods but still looks disinterested.

                   CRAIG

     Craig.

                   INGRID

     Yes, the rest of us do know one another.

     We went to the same high school.

Tim huffs and walks over to be between the two beds. Ingrid tenses up as Tim walks past her.

Polly leans over to say something to Ingrid, but Matt pulls her close and whispers in her ear. The two of them resume watching the TV.

                   TIM

              (to Stephanie, quiet but angry)

     Ingrid.

                   STEPHANIE

     Yeah. So what?

                   TIM

     You don’t know?

Stephanie shakes her head.

                   TIM (CONT’D)

     She’s the one who told Jaime I was a

     “total fucking psycho.”

                   STEPHANIE

     Jaime? Why?

                   TIM

     Because of the letters.

Mike starts picking through clothes on the bed.

                   MIKE

              (to Tim)

     Your own fault, you know. And why did

     you ever write more than just the one?

Tim glares at Ingrid.

                   TIM

              (to Stephanie)

     If I had known it was her.....I can’t

     stay.

                   MIKE

              (comically)

     If you knew it was her.

              (seriously)

     Just relax. You’re stuck here. You might

     as well come out with us, then.

                   STEPHANIE

     Yeah, Tim, it’s going to be okay. Ingrid

     can’t do anything about tonight. She’s

     just sitting over there watching TV.

                   TIM

     She probably didn’t expect me to be

     here.

                   STEPHANIE

     No. As a matter of fact, that was one of

     the first things she asked Amy about.

                   MIKE

     Take it as a compliment and move on.

                   TIM

     She’s maligned me enough in the past for

     me to dwell on this a bit.

                   STEPHANIE

     I don’t know if I agree with that. But

     if you really want to know what she

     thinks of you, all you need to do is

     take a long car ride with her. ...Of

     course, if you just want to settle the

     score, she’s sitting right over there.

(Tim’s) POV – Ingrid watching TV. She briefly looks up and meets his glare with one of her own.

                   MIKE (O.S.)

     Or you could just grow up.

Mike shifts uncomfortably on the bed and digs an object out of the pile and tosses it to the floor.

                   MIKE (CONT’D)

     Come out with us. Part of this whole

     college experience, of being young, is

     getting beyond the notion that enjoying

     yourself is somehow wrong. There isn’t

     much Ingrid can do to ruin your evening

     if she’s stuck here.

                   TIM

     I’m not going out with you and Amy. I

     don’t want to go and she wouldn’t want

     me there.

                   STEPHANIE

              (to Tim)

     I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.

Tim hits his head against the wall behind him.

                   TIM

              (to Stephanie)

     You just don’t like Greg.

                   STEPHANIE

     That’s not what I—

                   MIKE

     I never heard that story.

                   STEPHANIE

     It’s not a story. I just said that, when

     I was drunk, that I really like Greg and

     that Amy should marry him.

                   MIKE

     And that means you don’t like Greg?

                        STEPHANIE

     No. Tim knows what I’m talking about. I

     told him about how when I was super

     drunk, I told Amy about how great I

     thought Greg was and how they should get

     married.  And that I felt like a total

     ass for telling her that once I sobered

     up because I think that Greg is pretty

     bad for her.  And that she may have some

     better options out there.

                        TIM

     Yeah, you don’t like Greg. And that

     doesn’t make this right.

                   STEPHANIE

     Well, he’s not here, is he?

                   MIKE

     I looked. He isn’t.

Mike picks out a pair of purple lace panties. He holds them up and shows them to Craig, Tim, and Stephanie.

                    MIKE (CONT’D)

     Sexy.

Craig chuckles dumbly.

Tim slaps Mike’s hand. Mike drops the panties.

                   TIM

     Behave yourself.

                   MIKE

     I’m bored.

                   TIM

     I don’t care. You don’t go digging

     through somebody else’s dirty clothes.

Mike picks the panties back up and smiles.

                   MIKE

              (imitating Homer Simpson)

     Worn panties. Sexy.

Mike sniffs panties.

Tim slaps the panties out of Mike’s hands again, much harder this time.

                   INGRID (O.S.)

     A little presumptive, isn’t he?

                   POLLY (O.S.)

     Mike? Or Tim? I think you’ve read this

     wrong.

(CU) — Door opens. Amy enters room. She is dressed in a beige bathrobe. She closes the door behind her.

Tim walks across the room and corners Amy near the door.

                   TIM

     Hey.

                   AMY

              (annoyed)

     What?

                   TIM

     I thought you said Stephanie and Polly

     were going to be out.

                   AMY

     That’s what I was told, too. So what?

                   TIM

     And Ingrid?

                   AMY

     I didn’t know she was coming.

Tim gives Amy a look of disbelief.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     I didn’t. I would have told you if I had

     known. Listen, I know how you feel about

     Ingrid. I wouldn’t have you two come

     together without some kind of a warning.

     Fuck, were it up to me, the two of you

     would go the rest of your natural lives

     without any interest or involvement with

     one another. I know she isn’t a big fan

     of yours, either. This could be

     something really unseemly, and I don’t

     want to have to deal with the aftermath

     of that.

(Tim’s) POV – Mike and Craig.

                   TIM (O.S.)

     Well, they’re here. You can do with them

     what you will.

Tim turns to leave.

Amy reaches out and grabs Tim by the arm. She pulls him back so that the two of them are face-to-face.

                   AMY

     You can’t just drop them off.

                   TIM

     People keep telling me that. But you and

     I agreed that I would just drop them

     off, didn’t we?

Amy huffs.

                   AMY

     Let me get dressed.

Tim stands, staring.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     Okay?

Tim nods and looks away.

Amy enters the closet to change clothes.

Tim walks back over between Mike and Stephanie on the beds.

Mike is going through prescription medicine bottles on the table next to Amy’s bed.

                   STEPHANIE

              (to Tim)

     So...what do you think of Matt?

                   TIM

     Not much.

                   STEPHANIE

              (not noticing Tim’s disinterest)

     Polly called me about two months ago to

     tell me about him.

Tim offers up a sarcastic “good for you” expression.

                   STEPHANIE (CONT’D)

     She was so excited. She had never been

     kissed before. Not for real. She didn’t

     even think he could be interested in

     her, but I guess he’s kind of shy and it

     took a while for things to develop.

                   TIM

     Hey, great. Doesn’t really help me,

     though, does it?

                   MIKE

     Hey, it offers hope to the least of us.

Tim notices Mike fiddling with a bottle of medicine.

                   TIM

     Put the fucking medicine down! Now.

                   CRAIG

              (to Tim, giggling)

     Chill, dude. He isn’t hurting anything.

     If it were something embarrassing, I’m

     sure she wouldn’t just leave it out.

Tim glares at Craig. Craig looks away. Tim sighs.

(Tim’s) POV – Polly and Matt watching television.

                   TIM (O.S.)

     Hey, Polly. I heard you guys were going

     to be out tonight.

Polly smiles. Matt hugs her close.

                   POLLY

     Yeah, but Ingrid was tired. And we

     didn’t want to risk the bars. You know,

     trying out the I.D.s at a different

     campus and all. So we decided we could

     have just as good a time if we stayed in.

                   TIM (O.S.)

     Really? Well, if you’re not going

     drinking, you probably are better off

     staying in. I know I had planned to

     tonight.

Ingrid leans over and whispers to Polly.

                   INGRID

              (very quietly)

     I’ll just bet he did.

Polly flinches.

Amy emerges from the closet. She is wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and white socks.

Camera pans room from trio on floor to Stephanie, then Tim, and finally Mike. Mike is again going through her medicine bottles.

                   AMY (O.S.)

     Looking for something, Michael?

                   MIKE

              (innocently)

     My throat is sore. I was hoping I could

     take something.

                   AMY (O.S.)

     Really?

Mike nods innocently and quickly sets the medicine back on the table.

Amy shoots and angry look at Tim and then to Mike.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     Well, if you’re not feeling well,

     perhaps we shouldn’t go out tonight.

Amy walks over to her bed.

                   TIM

               (to Amy, quiet but forcefully)

     No. You do not have me drag them here

     from Ames and then decide you don’t want

     to do anything. That’s not fair to them

     or to me.

Amy cocks her head to indicate Ingrid.

                   AMY

     Things have changed, Tim. I would think

     that you could find some way to

     appreciate that. ...Maybe we could just

     hang out here.

                   TIM

     The eight of us? No thank you.

Amy stares at Tim.

                   TIM

     Look, if you want us to go, all you have

     to do is ask.

                   AMY

              (softly)

     Please leave.

Tim reaches down and helps Mike out of Amy’s bed. They gather Craig out of the chair and start him toward the door.

Mike pauses to speak.

                   MIKE

              (to Matt)

     Nice to meet you.

              (to the ladies)

     Stephanie, Polly, Ingrid...goodnight.

     Amy, ...I’ll call you later.

                   AMY

              (distantly)

     Okay.

Craig reaches door and opens it. He stands waiting in doorway as Mike and Tim reach him.

                   AMY (CONT’D)

     Yeah, I think we’re just going to go to

     bed.

Tim’s face brightens as he turns back to face the girls.

                   TIM

              (with comic flourish)

     Well, why didn’t you say so? And we were

     just about to leave.

Ingrid looks surprised.

                   INGRID

     I knew it.

Polly smiles. Matt looks confused.

Stephanie stifles a laugh.

Amy glares at Tim with Hell’s Own Fury.

                   TIM

     No? That’s a shame, because the numbers

     worked.

                   STEPHANIE

              (mock outrage)

     Tim!

Craig and Mike exit. Tim bows for effect.

                   TIM

     Okay, then. Goodnight, all.

Tim exits and closes the door behind him.

                                                CUT TO

INT. DORMITORY HALLWAY — NIGHT

Tim, Mike, and Craig stand outside the door. They begin their egress from the building.

                   MIKE

     You know, you’re going to pay for that.

                   TIM

              (Unconvincingly)

     She’ll forget about it.

              (Normal tone)

     It isn’t like I’m the center of her

     world. Besides, I’ve already been

     forgiven for worse. I doubt this is

     going to be the final straw.

                   MIKE

     At some point, all these transgressions

     are going to be enough. You would be

     better off not acting like that.

                   CRAIG

              (to Tim)

     You and that girl have something going

     on, don’t you? That’s why you were all

     pissed off that Mike had his hands in

     her panties.

Tim starts to answer but Mike cuts him off.

                   MIKE

              (to Craig)

     No, they don’t. Not anything like you’re

     thinking.

              (to Tim)

     But tell me, Tim, do you think that’s

     what Ingrid saw?

                   TIM

     Hey, fuck her! If I knew it was her when

     we went in there—

                   MIKE

     If you knew it was her? What the fuck,

     Tim? How could you not know it was her?

     You went to high school with her. She

     was in our chemistry class. ...And what

     would you have done anyway, huh? I’ll

     tell you what. You would have sat and

     stewed and not done a goddamn thing,

     which is eerily similar to what just

     happened! If you knew it was her. Maybe

     it’s time you empower yourself in some

     other way than in the hypotheticals in

     your head.

All stop. Craig retreats a step. Tim and Mike face one another.

                   TIM

     You have something to say? I sure could

     use some advice from the guy who cheated

     on his girlfriend the first weekend of

     college, the guy who doesn’t know well

     enough not to dig through other people’s

     personal property.

                   MIKE

     I wasn’t the problem in there!

                   TIM

     The hell you weren’t! I wasn’t the one

     causing a scene. I’m not the one with no

     fucking sense of proper boundaries or

     showing the minimal amount of respect to

     somebody by not digging through their

     personal belongings. I could have been

     at home.

                   CRAIG

     Dude, your home’s back in Illinois.

Tim turns angrily toward Craig.

                   TIM

     Hey, fuck you, too, booze hound! You’re

     about as useful as tits on a bull. You

     make people uncomfortable.

Craig steps up to confront Tim.

                   CRAIG

     I was just chillin’ in there, dude. I

     didn’t piss your girl off. She didn’t

     ask me to leave. That was on you. Maybe

     I should just—

Mike steps between Craig and Tim. Mike shoves Craig back.

                   MIKE

              (to Craig)

     Back off, Craig. You don’t appreciate

     the situation.

              (to Tim)

     And neither do you. You don’t want to

     hear it? Too fucking bad! I wasn’t the

     problem in there. You could have stayed

     home? That would have been helpful. You   

     didn’t come to Iowa to hide from her.

     For Christ’s sake, everybody knows why

     you’re here. Ingrid fucking knows. You

     think not being there tonight is going

     to quash suspicion in her mind? You

     think that brooding and being unpleasant

     says “she and I are just friends?”

     You’re fucking kidding yourself.

                   TIM

     I don’t need you telling me what to do.

                   MIKE

But do you know why? ...Because you

     never fucking do anything! The only

     advice you would take is to be an

     obstacle to your own success and

     happiness. Everything else gets written

     off with some twisted belief that not

     owning up to what you are feeling is the

     same thing as being a good person.

               (Pause)

     What did it matter that Ingrid was

     there? You could have just swallowed

     your goddamn pride and been polite. Or

     gone off on her. What the fuck do I

     care? You could have said, “Amy, it

     would mean a lot to me if you would

     still take Mike and Craig out.” And she

     would have done it because you asked.

     Instead you bark fucking orders. You

     wouldn’t ask her and you never will. You

     fucking pine for this girl and she’s

     right there! You want to know something?

     Not dating her, or fucking her, or

     whatever you have in mind isn’t some

     high and mighty moral act so long as you

     really want to. And why don’t you? What,

     are you afraid of Greg? I can’t believe

     that. I’ve seen you beat the hell out of

     guys twice your size. And over what? And

     how long were you upset about that?

     ...What then? You think you and Amy

     wouldn’t last? You wouldn’t! You’ve

never had anything approaching a healthy

relationship. But that doesn’t mean you

     shouldn’t try. Or start trying, if

     you’re serious about ever being with

     anyone. You can’t live with yourself if

     you lose her? Then try being an actual

     friend and put some energy into finding

     a girl of your own. But it’s fucking

time you grow up and stop this pointless

obsession! I don’t want to hear about

     this for the next decade, okay? I don’t

     want to raise a glass with you to

     celebrate the anniversary of her

     throwing you out of her life. I don’t.

     I want you to be happy, Tim, but it

     isn’t my job to do it for you. I’m not

     here to tell you what to do. You have to

     figure that out for yourself. I didn’t

     ruin anything for you here. She doesn’t

     look at me and see you.

                   CRAIG

     But you were the one who got to fondle

     her privies.

              (to Tim)

     Looks like you’ll never get to do the

     same.

Tim takes a step toward Craig. Craig takes a half-step back and stumbles and falls to the ground.

Mike laughs.

Tim turns back to face Mike.

                   MIKE

     You want to go back? Then do it. God

     helps those who help themselves, you

     know.

                   TIM

     I thought some of the actual moral code

     would have stuck with you.  We are

     supposed to do what is right because it

     is the right fucking thing to do. We

     aren’t supposed to be worried about what

     we get out of it.

                   CRAIG

     No wonder you’re so miserable.

                   MIKE

     But you don’t do anything, Tim! Here is   

     your chance to make a difference in your

     life. You can go back to her room and

     say what you need to. You tell her what

     you want and what she means to you. Or

     we can all be in the same boat: outside

     on a cold night with nothing to do.

Tim indicates Craig.

                   TIM

     Wearing shorts like stupid, here.

                   MIKE

     What’s it going to be, Tim?

Tim scratches his chin and sighs.

                   TIM

     I’m hungry. Come on, I’ll take you to

     the place where they have those two

     pound burritos.

                   CRAIG

     You’d rather get a burrito than go back

     there and fuck that girl? You’re nuts,

     dude.

                   TIM

     It doesn’t much matter what I’d rather,

     Craig. The situation is one that I don’t

     think I can step back into right now...

     with or without the audience we’d have.

                   MIKE

     I wasn’t kidding about my throat. I

     wasn’t looking through those bottle to

     be an asshole.

All three resume walking.

                   TIM

     Well, then, I can add the University

     hospital to the grand tour. You may as

     well see the largest employer in the

     state.

                   CRAIG

     Yeah, that’s a lot better than parties

     and drinking and loose sorority girls.

     You’ve got a great friend, here, Mike.

                   MIKE

     Sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

                   TIM

     You don’t think this is memorable?

                   MIKE

     Oh, no, it is. I was just looking for a

     night I could forget.

All three walk out of frame.

                                                FADE OUT

THE END