Science Fiction Wishlist (A Grabbag) — Part Three: Spaceship

     At this point, I have a lightsaber on my hip and the ability to get around (on the ground, in the air, in space) with my VF-1J Veritech Fighter.  Now I need – as much as any fanciful, hypothetical Science Fiction wishlist can have any element of need – a spaceship with which to get around.  Sure, you can do Sci-Fi without a spaceship.  But there is something about the ability to safely travel between the stars that opens up the possibilities of a Sci-Fi universe, and if I am going to be even half-way serious about putting together the wish list, I am not going to leave spaceships off of it.
     Lets start with the rejects, the ships that no sane person would ever take as their first choice.

The Millennium Falcon

   Luke was right in that the thing was a piece of junk.  Seriously, it has exposed bits that should cause the whole thing to explode (or at least suffer meaningful structural damage) upon atmospheric entry.  It has the weird cockpit mounting – I'll leave it to the individual viewer to decide what happens to those guns that are mounted above it for one scene in the Alderaan system – that ensures that it is going to take a long while to learn how to do any precision repulsorlift maneuvering (you know, like landing on a small pad or inside a relatively small landing bay on Tatooine).  It also clearly has substandard wiring and faulty systems.  Sure, some of this could be chalked up to disputed owner/operator Han Solo; it is entirely possible he was spending to much time on his hair and practicing his lopsided grin to keep the ship in good working order.  Indeed, isn't almost all of the appeal of the Millennium Falcon rooted in the desire to be (or be like) Han Solo?  And if we were just talking A New Hope Solo, I'd agree.  But Solo doesn't get better as the universe expands and his ship really is the Sci-Fi equivalent of a 1977 Ford conversion van (complete with pilot's chairs).

Serentiy

      This is another instance of a ship being less than optimal.  The bulk of the appeal – to my understanding – of the Firefly class ships was that they could be made to keep flying with basic maintenance.  They were never going to be the best of anything, but there was some level of reliability.  So, if the Millenium Falcon is a conversion van, Serenity is like a Beetle Cabriolet.  It looks cool, and it probably could be maintained (to a degree) with the same level of know-how it takes to fix lawnmowers, but it isn't big, fast, or all that safe.  The appeal of the Serenity largely derives from it being captained by Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion, before his head started looked like it belonged on Frankenstein's monster) and his "crew" largely being good looking people.  Beyond that, it is just a strange looking craft with an internal layout I've never been able to figure out and too little cargo space to make it a good freight hauler.  There is also the problem that it is meant to operate in a single solar system.  Since I want a possibility of Earth still being a home base, the Serenity doesn't do me a lot of good.

Space Battleship Yamato

     I don't think there is much need to kill this idea.  It really is just the IJN Yamato scraped off the ocean floor, fixed up, and launched into space.  Okay, there is more to the story than that, but it was – at heart – an effort to recapture some of the national pride Japan lost after getting their asses kicked in WWII (and there are versions of it that severely amp up the Sci-Fi look of it).  I'm not saying that Star Blazers (the TV version I knew as a child) is without merit; I enjoyed it.  But I am not taking an Imperial Japanese ship as my primary.  Or secondary.  Yeah, I don't want it.  Not anymore than I would want a space version of the Bismarck.

Discovery One

     The computer will kill you.  Oh, and it doesn't have a lot of the cool bells-and-whistles one would want given the infinite possibilities the genre allows.  But the computer will kill you.  It also is meant for in-system use, but I am not cooling on the killer computer.  Yeah, HAL has a soothing voice (far better than Majel Barrett-Roddenberry's).  But HAL wants to kill you.  And me.

TARDIS

     Yeah...I hate Doctor Who.  With a passion.  Probably because I was made to watch the show in the early 1980s and I know how much it sucks.  Even without the £500/episode budget for set design and effects, the show is bound to suck.  And not just because it can just reset things whenever it wants with a new Doctor, because they can all travel through time and muck things up.  No, wait.  That is why the show sucks so much.  It demands no continuity.  It is the on-going version of a perpetual Marvel What-If universe, where the "what-ifs" in question can always be changed.  I hate Doctor Who more than I hate the JJ Abrams version of Star Trek (which I do not consider to be Star Trek, and I hate like Fred Phelps thinks God hates homosexuals).  Having written all that, I'm sure the ability to travel through time gives the TARDIS some virtue.  But apparently you can just fly around the Sun and travel in time.  Or through some weird Borg energy pulse.  Or you can microwave a container of JiffyPop near a Supernova.  Besides, there is the moral imperative to not time travel (as it almost guarantees invalidating the choices and actions exercised by other individuals).  Besides, no matter how big the TARDIS is on the inside, it would be a nightmare to dock the Veritech to it.  Now, were it stocked with infinite fresh cookies...well, I'd still hate Doctor Who, but I'd take the TARDIS and then just sell the cookies.  I'd eat many more than I should, but I'd go into the cookie selling business and give up the notion of exploring the galaxy.

Imperial Super Star Destroyer

     The ship is 19 kilometers long.  That is just too damn big.  I don't care how many of those little MSE droids you have running around, something 19 km long is going to require a fair amount of human labor just to keep it looking decent. Seriously.  I'm not saying I want a ship where I can be alone (actually, we'll address that later), but I certainly don't want a crew of thousands I have to oversee.  Well, actually the Captain would have to oversee them, but given that I am not considering any ISF Captains to command my ship (take that, Lorth Needa!).  Besides, Star Wars technology – despite the very loud ignorance of the Lucasites – is inferior to everything in the Star Trek universe.  Hell, the only threat the Super Star Destroyer would pose to a Federation Runabout would be the tractor beam.  Which means that it would lose a fight to the school bus of UFP ships.  I like the fighter compliment, but  not if they have to be TIE fighters (even if they are Interceptors).

Moya

     She is a living ship.  Not really sure why that would be appealing, except for the ideal that she could heal damage.  That isn't how it works, though, because she gets sick.  She gets infections.  She is afraid of fire.  And...she can get pregnant.  She has no weapons and her best defensive maneuver effectively wipes out her navigational orientation.  Add to the fact that she was a prison ship (so no luxuries), and she is just a terrible choice.  Not that I don't want the DRDs or translator microbes.  I want those.  I just don't want Moya.

Klingon Bird of Prey

     On the outisde, there is a lot to like about the Bird of Prey.  But then TNG and DS9 (and, if we are going to be honest, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country) ruined it by repeatedly showing that Klingons don't believe in any kind of amenities.  They don't believe in good lighting.  And it is sure to be stocked with Klingon food and drink, which isn't appealing.  Does the Klingon smell come out?  Yes, it has a cloaking device, but it does not operate when firing weapons.  Besides, I like the idea of the Bird of Prey as an enemy ship, and Klingons are the enemy.  At all times.  And every single one of them.  Don't every forget it.

The Event Horizon

     I'm not sure if it is that the ship is cursed or that Laurence Fishburne is going to show up at some time that keeps this ship from consideration.  Or that it didn't really work.  And I hated the movie.  But it looked okay.  I just cannot imagine anyone choosing it as their one spaceship.

Maybe the INSS Lenin

     So what ships are worth considering?  Probably a lot more than i could ever think of.  The INSS Lenin seems like a fine choice, but I would be more in favor of the MacArthur (had it not been destroyed).  Oh, and I have no idea if the model I found on the internet is an accurate representation of it.  Hard to choose a ship if you don't know what it really looks like.  It certainly has some degree of ass-kicking ability, but the hard science fiction of The Mote in God's Eye is going to leave it severely underpowered against the more fantastical craft available.  Besides, the Lenin needs a huge crew as well.

Planet Express Ship

     Maybe it is because the ship reminds me of an old, yellow pencil topper I had in second grade.  Maybe it is because Futurama produced the single saddest episode of television, ever ("Jurassic Bark").  Okay, probably not that.  But the Planet Express Ship is like the Firefly class ship from the Whedonverse, except that it doesn't have to make sense.  It is largely idiot-proof (Fry), and does not require much in the way of a crew.  Sure, there is no place to dock the Veritech with it, but if Pazuzu can hold onto the landing bay and survive in deep space...I don't know where I'm going with that.  I really just want to point out that the gargoyle survived hard vaccuum. 

NSEA Protector

     Talk about an idiot-proof ship – even Fred Kwan could make it work.  Well, that is one of the advantages of having fans of the TV show build the ship.  I'm not really sure why this isn't my ultimate choice.  It has effective weaponry, travels, fast, has transporter-like technology, and apparently can send people across the universe by use of some kind of goo and a wormhole.  It also has the most ridiculous lay-out (because of the fidelity to the fake TV show).  If it comes with Gwen DeMarco, it may become my back-up choice.

USS Sulaco

     Actually, we don't know that much about the Sulaco from the movie Aliens.  Like most ships of that universe, it doesn't seem to need much of a crew to operate its transit from system to system.  It also may not carry much in the way of supplies since it freezes the crew instead of keeping them awake for a couple of weeks.  Maybe that is just a plot device, a way of keeping consistency between the films.  I don't want a ship that forces people to doze through the journey.  If I wanted that, I would have taken the ship from WALL-E.  But the Sulaco does have armament, has dropships (and a nice comfy bay where I can put my Veritech fighter), and came from Earth.  It hits a lot of the right buttons.

Corvette Transport

     More of a troop transport than anything else, the Corvette Transport from Starship Troopers is one of the cooler looking ships out there.  Half ocean going freighter, half warship, it looks like someone took the time to make it look just plausible enough to be real.  And in a Verhoeven film, plausibility is not something that is easily to come by.  Why is it so high on my list?  I mean, it has a large crew, doesn't have kick-ass weaponry or defenses, and it doesn't have a great pedigree.  But Denise Richards (or more appropriately, a character she played) almost died on one.  Any ship that makes an effort to kill Denise Richards needs to be considered.

SDF-1

     In almost every way, the SDF-1 is what I want.  With the Prometheus attached, there is not only not a shortage of space to dock the VF-1J, but plenty of extra Veritech fighters (be they 1A, 1D, or 1S).  The Daedalus can be made into a punching-fist so the Destroids within can shoot the hell out whatever ship we decided to punch.  It has...okay, had, the ability to travel via inter-dimensional hyperspace fold.  Cannot say enough about how cool fold technology is, but the SDF-1 has to give it up in order to put a city in the middle of the ship.  It is also, as far as I know, the only transformer in contention here.  Not that I wouldn't prefer the regular looking configuration to be able to fire the Main Cannon, but one cannot always get what one wants.  Given the immense power of the Main Cannon – it could essentially shoot a hole through the Death Star – it would be sheer folly to not take the SDF-1.
     It also has one of the better stories associated with it.  Alien command ship crashed on Earth (which forces a global war to come to an end), gets rebuilt and (maybe) improved, inadvertently fires the first shot in a war that destroys more than 80% of the planet and has to keep thousands of civilians safe inside after accidentally transporting an island with it to Pluto.  It is the only reason humanity survives the conflict.  We'll just all agree to ignore its ignominious end.

Intrepid Class Starship

     Yes, I went with the class because if I came out and said the USS Voyager, well I wouldn't expect anyone to take me seriously.  Voyager may not be as generally disliked as Enterprise (and for good reasons), but it certainly is not super-loved, even in Star Trek circles.  That is really neither here nor there when it comes to the ship, though.  It has pretty much everything that makes UFP ships kick ass: phasers, photon torpedoes (even quantum torpedoes), transporters, warp drive, replicators, and – most importantly – holodecks.  As a matter of fact, the lack of holodeck and cramped quarters is why the USS Defiant didn't make the list.  The Defiant looks awesome and has unbelievable killing power.  It even had a cloaking device for a while.  But it is just a warship, and I want more.  So why something that is essentially the Voyager instead of any of the Enterprises?  First, I really do like the look.  There is something fake looking about TOS's Enterprise, and while that is understandable, it isn't something I want.  Sure, the Planet Express Ship is about as fake looking as possible, but it is from a cartoon.  The Enterprise-D looks a little better and has all of the amenities, but it has that ridiculous saucer-separation thing going on.  I really am not in favor of that.  No, the Voyager can land on planets.  Boom!  It's huge to me.  The Intrepid Class ship has enough room for the Veritech fighter (good-bye, one set of less than cool shuttlecraft), which is a plus.  Now, I do want to get rid of those stupid bio-neural gel packs (since they can get infected and replacements cannot be replicated).  It also has the EMH.
     Now I never understood how it was that the Sick Bay could be fitted with holo-emitters but nobody ever thought to put them anywhere else.  This is my cheat around having to have a large crew.  If we accept that the mobile emitter cannot be replicated because it is too technologically advanced (despite the fact that DS9 establishes that replicators can duplicate a device without any understanding of the device being necessary), why not just place holo-emitters on the bridge and engineering?  It cuts down on the need to have real people in positions to do the important things.  There cannot be a huge difference in power usage for running the emitters versus food replicators, sonic showers, and life support for real crew members.  I would want the option the have a lot of holo-crew members is what I am saying.  And not just because then I could guarantee that I'd never end up with a Wesley Crusher-type person anywhere important.  Because it would just be programs in all the important posts.  Maybe.  But definitely no whiny teens. 
    So, yeah.  I want a craft that can land, doesn't destroy space by going to warp, has good weaponry, the ability to manufacture just about anything necessary, and multiple holodecks.  And, for my money, there isn't much that does all of that better than the Intrepid Class.

Science Fiction Wishlist (A Grabbag) — Part Two: Personal Craft

     At this point, wish-fulfillment 'me' has a lightsaber slung to his belt in some unnamed Sci-Fi universe.  Or stashed in a coat pocket.  Have to figure that one could easily hide either a lightsaber or one of the garage door opener looking phasers in just regular clothing.  The lightsaber doesn't look like it is anything more than a poorly designed flashlight.  Now I need a way of getting around.
     What should I use?
     There are more choices, I'm sure, than I could ever reasonably think of in short order.  Would I want something as simple as Luke's landspeeder from Star Wars?  Have the wind whipping through what is left of my hair?  Would I want the BattleMech I used as my command vehicle for six years (and three different campaigns), the Catapult?  Well, if I could be guaranteed it would be the CPLT-27 version I put together with scavenged Clan tech – two LRM 20s, four Medium Pulse Lasers, double heatsinks, and more armor – for Captain Jonathan Alexander Frost.  But it is a 65 ton Mech, or about the weight of an M1A1 Abrams, and I see there being some serious problems getting it around most places.  Add in the fact that those long range missiles have a maximum range of about half a mile and it just seems so far from optimal.  Cool looking, but not optimal.

     How about VR-052 Battler Cyclone power cycle? You get all of the coolness of riding a motorcycle with extra safety equipment and all of the utility of a suit of power armor with forearm mounted mini-missiles and an EP-37 Beam Rifle at hand.  It runs on protoculture (or a distilute of the essence of the Flower of Life, since the series was pretty clear that they can run out of fuel after a few months of constant use), so gas prices aren't an issue.  It even folds into a small(ish) box when not in use.  The downside?  Well, there is the matter of how I feel about motorcycles.  The more pressing one would be that when being used as power armor it requires the user to carry most of the weight of the vehicle.  And how do you explain to the cool Sci-Fi heroes why you have wheels sticking out behind your head?
     Besides, I have a feeling that the personal craft should be one that can fly.  And not just fly in an atmosphere or space, but both.  And it should look cool.  Maybe like the old Cylon Raiders.

 

I had the toy for the Raider that actually shot the missiles.  Actually had a couple of the Vipers – word to the wise, the stickers on them held up much worse to the bathtub than did those on the X-Wing – but the Raider was always one of the favorites.  Maybe because it had that creepy mix of flying saucer design to go with its Luftwaffe gray color scheme.  I think it had more to do with the fact that not only did it fire two missiles (as opposed to the Viper's one), but it was pretty accurate out to about ten feet.  Great for shooting my brother.  

Pretty sure the missiles on ours were yellow, but this is what the toy looked like.

     Still, love of the toy should not be the deciding factor.  

     I guess my runner up would be the SA-23J Starfury "Thunderbolt", the improved version of the human fighter pods from Babylon 5.   Never mind how ridiculous the notion of fighters for space combat.  If we paid attention to practicalities, I wouldn't have a lightsaber swinging from the hip.  It fulfills the desire to have the presumed daring-do of WWI era dogfighting in a Sci-Fi universe, just as the lightsaber brings swordplay out of the Medieval and Renaissance tales.  And the Thunderbolt version of the Starfury looks like a cross between an Anime style fighter and the X-Wing.

It is even a little reminiscent of the craft from The Last Starfighter.  But where I want to give the B5 team credit is in giving at least a small acknowledgement to the physics of space combat.  The Starfuries spin about on thrusters, and moving in whatever direction is necessary instead of just away from engines.  Besides, given all of the B5 bashing I am going to be doing next week (maybe in two weeks, we'll see), I should give the series some degree of credit.

     No, if I can only have one personal vehicle, I am going with the VF-1J Veritech Fighter from Robotech/Macross.  Not only is it clearly a rip-off of the F-14 Tomcat (which was largely obsolete when Maverick made flying it look cool in Top Gun), but it turns into a giant robot fighter.  Well, first it turns into something that looks like this:

This is known as either the Gerwalk or Guardian mode (depending on what level of purity one chooses as the source material).  It allows for flying around like a jet (sort of) with all of the fun of wielding a gun and punching things like a robot.

      It looks like the figure above when in battloid mode (NOT GOING TO CALL IT BATTROID).  Perfect for fighting giant aliens or just menacing anyone else.  It is the versatility of the craft – along with how cool it looks, and my enduring love of Robotech – that makes it a clear winner.  It can carry loads of long range missiles (which means that they can go about 1,000 miles) with Reflex warheads (all the blast of nuclear weapons, none of that worrisome lingering radiation).  It can fight in space and the atmosphere.  And it will run for close to 15 years before the power gives out.  

     Plus, it doesn't need a droid plugged into it for the pilots to kick ass.

If only there were a chance of them being real.  Or at least getting proper big screen treatment.

Science Fiction Wishlist (A Grabbag) — Part One: Weapon

     I have taken a very long break from the blog.  Longer than I wanted to, sure, but not so long as I could just convince myself to never put anything up on it again.  So rather than subject anyone – I do have an idea of how miniscule even the potential audience is here – to the fiction with which I still not happy, I decided to write a few notes on my favorite little bits of science fiction (TV & Film).

Part One: Weapon

     This really should be a no-brainer.  The best Sci-Fi weapon that comes to my mind is the phaser from Star Trek.  Not the mini-vacuum cleaner looking models from TNG onward (though I would want the versatility of those models), but the classic one seen above.  There is something comforting in its almost pistol-like qualities (though it also looks a little bit like a hot glue gun).  More than that, it is the weapon Kirk used while he was kicking ass across the galaxy – at least when he wasn't using his hammy fists or constructing a bamboo cannon to shoot rocks at a rubber-skinned lizard.
     It is also the weapon that can vaporize the cover your enemy wants to hide behind.  Not that the Federation forces used it to its full advantage most of the time.  Need to kill somebody?  The phaser willcut through nearly everything to get them killed.  It can vaporize a building or a boulder.  Hell, you can use it super-heat a pile of rocks (in lieu of a campfire) without risking the rocks exploding on you.  You can also set it to stun if you feel like it.  I guess it is possible there would be a situation where killing the enemy wouldn't be necessary.

The various mini-vac looking phasers (and one that looks like a garage door opener).

     But as much as I like the phaser – and my strong preference for Star Trek over Star Wars – the weapon I would take over any other would be the lightsaber.  I mean, come on, its a fucking laser sword.  Who doesn't want a laser sword?  And one that, with the proper training (and a little luck) can be used to deflect all those little red bolts of light people might be wanting to shoot at you.  Never mind the whole Jedi/Sith mythos – the lightsaber kicks ass because it demands the user to get up close and personal.  It means the wielder means business.  Plus it can apparently cut through anything (given enough time). 

     Is it as versatile as a phaser?  Hell no!  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure the hand phaser could vaporize Vader as easily as it would anyone else.  But the hand phaser is kind of like a smart phone in that it is the technological tool that can be issued to everyone.  The lightsaber is a badge of honor, or at least the mark of a dedicated warrior.  Compare it to the ridiculous Klingon Bat'leth, the go-to melee weapon of the Star Trek universe.  Are you done laughing?  How about now? 
     The lightsaber is one of those things that I think so many people would love to be real that if one were to see one if use right before their eyes the reaction wouldn't be that can't be real because lightsabers are from the movies but rather Holy shit, that guy has a lightsaber!.  No one is going to have that reaction to a phaser.  We'd sooner expect William Shatner to win an Oscar than to see somebody shooting beams of phased whatever at anything in the real world.  But there is a real hope that somebody would make the lightsaber.  Almost as much as we would all love to have the Predator's personal cloaking device.

I don't have the words...

So, there is a movement afoot to get Piers Morgan exiled from the United States of America because he had the temerity to express views contrary to the deeply felt (and not always, but occasionally, well-informed) views who think that the gun is a part of American culture.
     What the fuck are these people thinking?
     Sure, Morgan is a smug prick most of the time (at least on television, and I'm going to count that as he clearly has a choice on how to present himself and most of the viewing populace is never going to deal with him face to face).  And he has no problem shouting down those with whom he disagrees without using facts to support his argument while making the argument (for the record, telling someone to 'shut up' or calling him or her a liar is not a formulated argument).  Most of all, it is ridiculous to have a discussion panel about gun violence in the USA and have those arguing in favor of eliminating (or severely restricting) gun ownership all be from other countries (The United Kingdom of Great Britain and India, with one raised in Iran).  I know that it is a simple argument, but perhaps people who live inside their own culture should have a say in their own culture.
     Just a thought.
     But I would rather let Morgan blather on in an attempt to drive CNN from any semblance of relevance than muster up some kind of 21st Century internet-driven Love It or Leave It fervor to drive a non-existent enemy from America.  There are plenty of people who are anti-gun and citizens, and if hardcore gun ownership supporters don't view them as real citizens, then that is where the problem lies.
     Me?  I was raised with guns in the house.  We used to shoot .22s in the backyard (right next to a rather busy street) and the village encourage people to bring their own guns to the annual Turkey Shoot.  I got to shoot an AR-15 and a fully automatic Thompson submachine gun when I was 10; it was awesome.  Never shot at anyone.  Can't say I was never tempted, but cooler heads prevailed and it took all of about a day to realize that I never wanted to shoot anything other than a target.  I would say there is much to be said for the support network that keeps adolescents from doing extremely stupid things, and a reason why I would put my concern on person left all alone with guns.  Especially troubled people who have no one to turn to.
      Is Morgan the answer?  Only if he is talking down the people who want to kill someone on an irrational impulse.  But getting rid of him isn't the answer, either.  If the Illinois Nazis could march through Skokie, we can all survive Piers Morgan.

Every once in a while, SNL has a moment of pure genius

Hmmm....I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this much Star Wars

     For some reason...and I'm not blaming (or crediting) this for the enduring neglect the blog is suffering...I have been reading more than a proportionately responsible amount of Star Wars fiction this year. 
     There were the graphic novels (Dark Empire I & II) I read in late March and early April.  Those reminded me of how Star Wars had a tendency to want to keep revisiting the same story with the same characters because killing any of them off – God forbid Boba Fett stays dead in the Sarlac pit – would apparently anger the fans more than middling stories.  But I also have read the Star Wars meets zombies Star Wars: Red Harvest, Star Wars: The Wrath of Darth Maul, and Star Wars: Iron Fist as part of this year's Reading Project.  Still have Star Wars: Solo Command to go to finally finish off the Wraith Squadron books.  I'm not sure if I'll ever read Stackpole's X-Wing books; it would be damning not to, since I did read his novelization of the recent Conan the Barbarian (2011) movie.
     Anyway, as I find myself struggling with my own satisfaction of the fantasy and horror short stories I'm trying to write (and why can't I ever consider something finished?), I must note that it is odd that I am plinking away at the huge Star Wars catalog of books.

Safe House (2012)

     It is conceivable that, somewhere, a world exists where Ryan Reynolds may be considered to have a "medium build" (which is how his character Matt Weston is repeatedly described).  In that world, I'd be too short to be a member of the Lollipop Guild.  Okay, that is an extreme exaggeration, but it does serve to highlight one of the problems I had with Safe House (2012) – there was an obvious gap between the character envisioned on the page and the actor hired to play the roll of Weston.
     Reynolds has the ability to play smaller than his size, and his muscle is the lean type, meaning that the right camera angles (and keeping him clothed) can give the appearance of a regular guy.  This tends to work better in the comedies he does where showing off his buff body would throw a serious wrench in the works of his being a goofy, boy-ish Everyman.  In an action film, it is nearly inconceivable.  Maybe it is his ability to play younger – Weston is likely six to eight years younger than Reynolds, not coming to the CIA in his early thirties – the made him the best available fit for the role.  It certainly seems to have had a younger Jeremy Renner in mind.
     The other issues I had follow.  Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington) is a bad ass because of attitude more than ability.  I don't want to discount the attitude factor, but I really prefer when Washington is given characters with more definition.  Vera Farmiga (Linklater) just takes up space, half mumbles her lines, and does not seem to be interested enough in her role to even make eye contact with her fellow actors.  It would seem her days of being able to be the pretty face are well over, but not giving consistently strong performances is not a way to ensure more work as she drifts into the age range that Hollywood avoids.  I also get baffled every time I see Sam Shepard (Whitford) show up in a very conventional role. This is the guy who wrote The Tooth of Crime (1972) and La Tourista (1967).  I get that he is much older now, but having him stand in as part of establishment – to represent establishment through his own skill at bringing weight to a role – has never felt like a good fit to me.  That trend continues here.
     Other than those minor things, I found Safe House to be a decent, workman-like film.  Like Echelon Conspiracy (2009), I suspect that production was helped by incentives to make a movie in a non-traditional location.  Strangely, the lighting (and color correction) did more to make South Africa seem different than any effort to establish the setting.  Still, the action is steady without giving way to gore or over-the-top excesses.  The characters inhabit something resembling the real world (save Weston being of medium build), where the real enemy is entrenched corruption.  I'm not sure why it was so successful, but it is better than average.

The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2008 for Three or More Actors (2008)

     There are a number of things I learned from reading the two collections of Ten-Minute (or less in most cases).  The most obvious one was that I am an unreasonably harsh critic.  These are plays that have been, for the most part, produced and performed in front of live people, likely ones who paid for the show, and I found myself comparing them – and not in a particularly favorable light – to the plays written by fellow students from my high school and college days.  Why aren't they great if they are the best from a particular year (or from a limited range of years)?  But, if I can step back and acknowledge that I look at some acclaimed masterpieces and find a multitude of faults and failings in them, then I need to adjust my expectations.
     I think a major problem I have is that I have an intense desire for playwrights to not rely on the conventions of the art, but I also get agitated when playwrights break away from them completely.  Somewhere, undoubtedly, there is a happy medium, but it is likely too small for most authors to locate.  I need to find it within myself to be more accepting of the works that the more knowledgeable – at least in terms of selecting material – and simply find a way to address what did and did not work for me rather than judging whether the plays are any good at all.
     Another important lesson learned is that it is nearly impossible to tell a complete story in a ten-minute play.  While there was a statement that these plays would be more than scenes, that is how many felt; some seemed to be little more than sketches with larger aspirations.  Worse, because there isn't a sense of totality, many of them leave no lasting impression.  Still, there is a similarity between the short story and the (extremely) short play – one cannot read a lot of them at once without feeling burned out.  In that case, it doesn't matter if they are good or bad.  And it is here that it makes me marvel at the stamina of the teachers who have to wade through the much worse writing of students with great frequency.
    At any rate, I finished The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2008 for Three of More Actors first because it just had to be back at the library shortly after check out.  For some reason, the effort to renew it gained a single day of leeway.  Even more interesting, more than two weeks after it had been returned, a fine appeared for returning it late.  Except that it wasn't returned late.  And if it were, that fine would have shown up immediately.  My take away from this is that it is a cursed book (or at least the local copy is); check it out at your own risk.
     The book opens up with Kathleen Warnock's The Adventures of..., and despite it having the hints of coming from an honest place it tried to hard to have a clever ending to break up the obvious progression along the way.  George Freek's Antarctica actually bothered me because it was neither funny nor clever, and I was quite positive that both were intended.  Ian August's How to Survive in Corporate America (A Manual in Eight Steps) was entertaining, but it read like one of the fantasy sequence instructional films from That '70s Show (1998-2006) – and given that I have seen less than ¼ of the episodes, I'm somewhat amazed that this is the association I made while reading it.
     Things get a little better with In the Trap by Carl L. Williams.  While embracing quite a few of the conventions of a modern comedic play (it could be argued that it is an overgrown sketch that cared enough to give the characters some definition), it tries to have a point without insisting that it is making a point.  There is something refreshing about the self-defeating protagonist who makes good only in minor steps, and those are motivated by the petty concerns that we often try to dress up as noble – and he makes no effort to do as much.
     Then things bottom out with Moon Man by Jami Brandli.  It is ponderous.  It is pretentious without having any possible foundation for being so.  Worst of all, it refuses to have anything to say other than that people can be lonely.  This play may appeal to some, but I found it to be a waste of time.  More to the point, I think it provides no roles that an actor should be excited about performing.
     Mark Larmbeck's October People is not quite a whole play (though it is the one depicted on the cover of the book).  Instead, it feels like a scene whittled down from a larger story with a character deposited in to keep the characters from reaching any kind of quick, reasonable resolution to their relationship.  It is rather well written, but it feels like an insiders look at the world in which actors (and people who rely on the entertainment industry) live.  That is a convention that I think doesn't translates well outside of (the North American) hubs like Los Angeles, New York, Vancouver, or Toronto. 
     The Other Shoe by Lisa Soland wasn't poorly written, but it seemed too desperate to make its point.  I would argue that if one is writing a short play, it shouldn't be overly concerned with addressing the author's agenda.  Instead, it should be primarily concerned with making sure that a complete story is told in the limited time afforded it.  This is something that Paola Soto Hornbuckle got right in The Perfect Red.  It feels like a complete story – and is the the only play in the collection to have multiple scenes.  It is also surprisingly dark, yet at the same time it manages to be accessible to a general audience.  I would not imagine that many people would stage it because it does require better than modest production values but does not run long enough to justify it being the only play running on the stage.  But there is something to it.
     Gina Gionfriddo's Squalor was more than a little weird, but it still works as a brief play.  It was extremely contemporary in its references, but while that is impressive if it is produced immediately, it also serves to date it.  It did have some rather good lines that showcase Gionfriddo's ability to bring wit and levity to a play without defusing the progression of the story.  My favorites are:
          Marnie: "Quit?  You think this is hamburgers and hair appointments? 
          You can't quit a war."
          Mike: "I'm thirsty and I have a dick." (Trust me, it has real meaning
          in context.)
     Don Nigro's Three Turkeys Waiting for Corncobs is one of those plays that really relies on the conventions, especially the off-beat ones, of the modern play.  It is actively trying to be quirky, and that is something that I am not sure that I know how to comes to terms with.  I guess it is kind of funny, but in a way that doesn't seem to offer anything new while simultaneously not being something that has been done with any frequency.  No, when it comes to something that has been done before one doesn't need to go further than To Darfur by Erik Christian Hanson.  Equating small-mindedness with being a Southerner and/or a Republican – which while not a being an argument without merit, it is not really a fact – is old hat.  And there is nothing much more going on for To Darfur, even in terms of being entertaining.
     Nora Chau's Whatever Happened to Finger Painting, Animal Crackers, and Afternoon Naps? has a slight absurdist edge to it and has some fun with WASP-y conflicts, but it is both too short and too in love with itself to really be considered a full piece.  At least it is better than The Answer, which felt like a writing exercise that tried to use play conventions to mask the lack of original story.  
     Larry Hamm impressed me with Do-Overs, but more because it felt like a cross between something I co-authored (Call Me Temujin) and Richard A. Knaak's Dutchman (1996).  It is the story of two souls that keep finding each other over many incarnations, while a third soul – one that has not had a single life under its belt – tries to gauge expectations of life and love from their revelations.  It is clever, and perhaps even slightly sappy, but it also feels like it manages to get a full story told in its brief time.  It is immediately followed by Gloom, Doom, and Soul-Crushing Misery by Robin Rice Lichtig, a play where the single distinguishing feature is having the Travelocity gnome shoved up someone's ass.  It is the opposite of clever and smart, so I assume that it must look much better when performed than it reads.  At least it didn't read like a piece of mediocre high school writing, which is how Chris Shaw Swanson's The Growth came off.  Even in trying to be more positive in my evaluations of these pieces, there is nothing about The Growth that speaks towards professional level writing or the concept of subtlety.  
     Patrick Gabridge's Measuring Matthew is another effort to put a character with Asperger's Syndrome into a story.  This has become quite common in the last ten years, or at least very noticeable.  From Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory (2007–present) to Abed Nadir on Community (2009–present) to Max Braverman on Parenthood (2010–present) to Wally Stevens (as played by Mark Linn Baker in 2003) on Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2001-2011), there is an unhealthy fascination with the fascination characters with Asperger's have with seemingly trivial, non-standard subjects.  I find it tiresome, in part because there is seldom an examination of what the condition actually is.  Also, because there is almost always an indulgence of the behaviors of the characters so as to not challenge the established order.
     Night Terrors manages to undue most of its solid writing and existential examination simply by having the third role be largely inaccessible.  It is leaps and bounds better then Zachary Zwillinger Eats People, which combines poor grammar (and not in a purposeful manner to establish character) and never stops being preachy.  The best advice I have seen on the subject is that if an author wants to be preachy, write either an essay or a sermon.
     The collection gets better with a pair plays where the single point may just be that cynicism can win out.  The Baby War by Laura Cotton tells the story of the fight over the future of an illegitimate child between the well-to-do and the merely middle class.  It also manages some sly criticism of consumerism reinforced through reality television.  It also has the following exchange (where Carolyn is April’s mother and Patricia is the mother of the boy who got April pregnant):
          Patricia: You see, I’ve decided that I can’t allow April to have 
          an abortion.  
          April: I wasn’t planning on having an abortion.  
          Patricia: Of course you were.   
          April: No, I wasn’t.  
          Carolyn: Are you sure, honey?  You could have just a tiny one.   
          April: A tiny abortion?  What, are you out of your mind?
It is far better than most of the dialogue present in the book.  Thankfully, it is followed by the just-as-cynical but darker Sexual Perversity in Connecticut by Mike Folie.  Finding some proper balance between honoring and sending-up Mamet and exaggerating WASP-y catfighting, it manages to be wry without ever tripping over into the ridiculous.  And it serves as a good reminder to keep an eye out for the babysitters who become whores.
     Sister Snell isn't bad, but it tries to be witty at all times and feels far too short for the scope of story that could have been told.  It isn't bad, but I feel that it would have been better served to be developed into a longer piece.  As it stands, it resembles more of a well-written sketch.
     Much different is Vanessa David's Current Season.  It resembles the play about turkeys in that it calls for a trio of actors to play at being animals, in this case light-up reindeer decorations.  Still, it has a quirky charm, as one of the most inappropriate lines (at least out of context) I've seen in a long while.  
          Prancer: "If being in homosexual positions brings holiday cheer to
          the people, then I'm all for it.  Bring on the kids."
     Intervention is a play revolving around a one-note joke, one that is obvious by page two, doesn't get said until page six, and then is hammered home for another whole page.  It is an example of something obvious being mistaken for something clever, an insight the common person has never made.  The end result is a tedious reading experience that I guess could only be worse when seen in person.
     Jerome Parisse's Guys, Only Guys! manages to get the one-joke story structure right.  While probably better served as being a tighter comedy sketch, it is a funny brief play that successfully establishes characters and a story.  While the twist of an ending may be obvious, it doesn't feel like it has been coming since the characters show up; personally, I think it strikes the right balance of being novel and not so 'out there' as to alienate an audience.  Strangely, Parisse's The Birthday Knife reads as an extremely creepy experience.  It feels like there is a very real threat to the main character, and because of this any humor otherwise in the story is drained away.  It is definitely the weaker of his two efforts here.
     When I wrote about some of the plays requiring as much production work as a full-length play, I may have been most specifically thinking of Mark Harvey Levine's Cabfare for the Common Man.  This is made more lamentable because Cabfare is full of labored metaphors and imagery.  The only point is has to make is that one doesn't really go through life alone, with the addendum that the right person can be found.  In what universe is that profound?  Or even true?  Where is the story for the truly miserable, how life is an unbearable series of lonely experiences where the people who leave you are the ones who are not destined to go through life alone?  (I am going to come right out and admit I would probably have criticized that story, too, if it were as sloppily conceived as Levine's.)  He has a much better piece with A Case of Anxiety.  With an Inspector that begs the performer to overact as much as possible and repetitions that propel the story forward, it is the darker story he was afraid to tell with Cabfare.  It is still a little too sunny, but has quite possibly the best instructions for how to introduce a gorilla into a play:
          (Robert opens the door to let the Inspector out and is 
          immediately attacked by a giant gorilla who bursts into 
          the apartment. [If you can’t find a gorilla with an Equity 
          card, someone in a gorilla suit, a particularly large and 
          hairy actor will do the trick.] The gorilla picks up Robert 
          and tosses him around.)]
     The collection closes with Lisa Loomer's Fear of Spheres.  I didn't get it.  Not even a little.  It appears to be a play that would be fun to perform, but if it doesn't mean anything then what's the point? 
     All in all, I think there were enough well written pieces to make the book worth reading, but I will question what makes these plays the best of those available for consideration.  I would also wager that thirty is too large a sample for those who actually want to read through the plays.  Sure, it is better for those who are looking for material to produce, but that is well beyond my scope or interest.

▸          The Adventures of... by Kathleen Warnock (2006)

▸          Antarctica by George Freek (2008)

▸          How to Survive in Corporate America (A Manual in Eight Steps) by Ian August (2008)

▸          In the Trap by Carl L. Williams (2007)

▸          Moon Man by Jami Brandli (2007)

▸          October People by Mark Larmbeck (2007)

▸          The Other Show by Lisa Soland (2008)

▸          The Perfect Red by Paola Soto Hornbuckle (2007)

▸          Squalor by Gina Gionfriddo (2007)

▸          Three Turkeys Waiting for Corncobs by Don Nigro (2008)

▸          To Darfur by Erik Christian Hanson (007)

▸          Whatever Happened to Finger Painting, Animal Crackers, and Afternoon Naps? By Nora Chau (2007)

▸          The Answer by Vanessa David (2008)

▸          Do-Overs by Larry Hamm (2007)

▸          Gloom, Doom, and Soul-Crushing Misery by Robin Rice Lichtig (2007)

▸          The Growth by Chris Shaw Swanson (2007)

▸          Measuring Matthew by Patrick Gabridge (2004)

▸          Night Terrors by Wendy MacLeod (2007)

▸          Zachary Zwillinger Eats People by Lauren D. Yee (2007)

▸          The Baby War by Laura Cotton (2007)

▸          Sexual Perversity in Connecticut by Mike Folie (2007)

▸          Sister Snell by Mark Troy (2002)

▸          Current Season by Vanessa David (2007)

▸          The Title Fight by Ian August (2006)

▸          Intervention by Mark Lambeck (2007)

▸          Guys, Only Guys! by Jerome Parisse (2008)

▸          The Birthday Knife by Jerome Parisse (2007)

▸          Cabfare for the Common Man by Mark Harvey Levine (2005)

▸          A Case of Anxiety by Mark Harvey Levine (2006) 

▸          Fear of Spheres by Lisa Loomer (2008)

Red Tails (2012)

    If ever there was a movie that simultaneously showcased the trademark Lucasian tone-deaf dialogue delivered in a monotone with the kind of direction that makes Flyboys (2006) look like Memphis Belle (1990), and Memphis Belle look like Twelve O'Clock High (1949) in comparison, then that movie would be Red Tails (2012).  Feeling the need to abandon any of the compelling real-life stories from the heroic Tuskegee Airmen, John Ridley and Aaron McGruder instead throw as many stereotypes at the audience as possible, never bothering to form any kind of coherent bond between scenes of characters.  This is problematic in a film where the filler material – everything that is not thrilling aerial combat – dominates the screen time.
     Most troubling to me was the choice to soft peddle the American racism towards the titular Red Tails, and black soldiers in general.  Brian Cranston has a few scenes to respectfully express his dim view of the colored in uniform, but there is no feel of institutional weight behind his prejudice.  Worse, it never seems that Cranston's Colonel Mortamus believes his lines.  He is the worst incarnation of the paper villain, one that is in place for Terrence Howard's Colonel Bullard to give a mild repudiation.  If this is Lucas' vision of addressing the racism of the era, then he never should have been allowed to contribute more to the film than money.
     There are plenty of other failings, and some that may or may not be failings.  In the latter category fall the following – the "brand new 109s" in 1945, presumably Bf-109s (arguably the best looking single engine fighter plane in the war) that would have been supplanted by a variety of other fighters; the P-40s that look less like the planes that the Flying Tigers made famous and more like modified P-35s; the timing of when the first escorted daylight bombing runs of Berlin occurred.  The obvious failings had more to do with character development, but there were a surprising number of technical issues as well.  The air combat was surprisingly dull and lifeless.  It managed to be somehow too crisp to pass for authentic and too slow to serve as exciting segments.  Add to that the inclusion of a recurring enemy pilot (who speaks Duetsch so slowly that even I didn't need a translation) who serves as a very old-school kind of villain is the only sense that the Nazis are the ones who the Americans are really fighting, and you have a movie that just doesn't have any conception of the setting it adopted as its own.
     I feel somewhat bad for the actors involves in this project, who likely signed on thinking that there was going to be a serious attempt to depict the heroism of the real life aviators.  Sure, most of them couldn't figure out how to give a reading and move at the same time (I am quite serious in that criticism; most of the actors had to stand perfectly still to give anything more than a wooden recitation of their lines).  David Oyelowo manages to bring some life to his character (Joe "Lightning" Little) away from the action, and that may have been a better movie than what was put together.  This has all the marks of a project that went into shooting without a finished script.  Instead, it seems that the decision was made to make a movie with some WWII air combat and there wasn't much consideration given to the audience's eventual concern for a compelling story within the movie.

Miscellaneous Crumbs of Dialogue: The Good and the Crummy

Miscellaneous Crumbs of Dialogue: The Good and the Crummy

 by Silence Do_nothing

1: You know what's good?

2: Water.

1: Nope.

2: Someone's properly hydrated.

1: Am I supposed to feel guilty about that?

2: I simply mean that you can only appreciate water when you're thirsty.

1: That's with everything.  I'd still rather have something than have appreciation for it.  Because I appreciate it so much.

2: Are you thirsty now?

1: No.

2: Then you can't properly value water.

1: Maybe if I convert to Shinto and pray to a river god or something.

2: That wouldn't help.

1: Shintophobe.

2 [rolls eyes]: I'm sure countless souls have found serenity and a sense of purpose and meaning in Shinto.  They've been a vibrant and vital segment of the community for generations.  I would not hesitate for one second to vote a Shinto practitioner into the White House if he were the best qualified candidate.

1 [puffs out chest]: That’s right.

2: But even hypothetical President Shinto would require a parched throat to truly understand water's precious essence. 

1: You're not looking to hit me up for a charity run for a group that drills water wells in Africa, are you?

2: No, why?  Are you against that?

1: Not the charitable work itself.

2: Just stingy?

1: I don't like how those things are setup.

2: Hmmm.  Like what?

1: That the runners' part is supposed to put them above people who "only" donate money.  I know they do good and all, but-

2: When's the last time you donated money?

1: That's not the point.

2 [rolls eyes]: ...

1: There's the general idea out there that volunteering is superior to giving cash.

2: I'm sure they're very grateful for both.

1: I made my money myself, so when I donate-

2: If you donate.

1: Oh, I will.  Just so you can't hold this over me.

2: My chops busting serves the greater good.

1: It's not about "just writing a check."  I have to work to cover the checks.  I'm donating time like a volunteer, but it's less direct.

2: Yeah, but it's not as though you're mining coal.

1: So.  I still have to put up with a boss.

2: Volunteers have supervisors.

1: It's not the same.

2: And the last time you volunteered was?

1: I don't need to to know that a charity's supervisor can't afford to be nearly as big of a dick as a boss in a business.  A charity isn't going to bitch at a volunteer for being two minutes late.

2: Well then set your alarm five minutes earlier, big baby.

1: I'm not-

2: And don't come in looking all hung over when you're late, too.

1: I'm not disputing that I deserve it.  When you screw up, you get chewed out. I get that.  And when you're getting chewed out, and if you happen to be bad at hiding the feelings that are betrayed by your facial expression -something that goes back to when you were a kid and you kept getting in trouble  for "that look on your face", even though your muscles were making that look without your knowledge or control- if you still haven't developed good enough control to mask the emotions that force their way in when someone is belittling you, then you get to take more flak for your attitude problem.  Hey, fine then.  And when you can't produce as well as the others, even if it burns you up that you can't and even if you hustle like someone who really cares, but because you don't have a knack for it, you come up short.  Too bad.  This isn't a nursery.  You're paid to produce results.  I accept that.  And yes, I know that someone working in a sweatshop would love to be in my shoes, and I would have no right complain to one of them,  but since you aren't one of them, I feel plenty of right to bitch about it to you.

2: I know it sucks, but it has to be that way or everything would fall to pieces.  People are fundamentally lazy.

1: I don't doubt that.  It's just that volunteering doesn't come with that kind of crap so I don't get how it is supposed to show more dedication or a truer act of charity than "only writing a check."

2: I would imagine it's directed towards donors who come from wealth and that for them, writing a check really is the easier way out.

1: Maybe.

2: I never knew you hated the job so much.

1: Nah, it's not so bad.  I mean, it's a job.

2: I guess.

1: Although, I will say -and this isn't just for this job in particular, but for any one.  In my dream lottery scenario, if I won, I wouldn't quit-

2: Oh right.

1: No, not because I'm Mr. Workaholic or I would feel unfulfilled just lounging around all day.  But I would love working I job I didn't need.

2: "Take this job and shove it!"

1: No, I wouldn't even do that.  That lets them know they're getting to you.  I wouldn't be a jerk to people or goof off.  I would take my duties seriously.  I wouldn't try to get fired.  I just wouldn't respond to the threat of it.  The boss could go ballistic and I would calmly shrug it off because I wouldn't really need him.  I don't care about sports cars, or fancy jewelry or home theaters.  Indifference to the boss's wrath would be the one luxury I'd look forward to.

2: Are we including liquor?

1: It would be crazy to stop just when I could start to afford the good stuff.

2: I figured as much.

1: I know that breaks your heart when I could be going bananas on just like pallets and pallets of Perrier.

2: Actually, I'll grant you that liquor is a more reasonable purchase than bottled water.

1: Victory!

2: Tap water quenches just as well.  Alcohol production does require craftsmanship.  Water's water.

1: How could you turn your back on the sacred waters?.

2: I never said that.

1: You acted like it.

2: The bone of contention was more to do with the inability to judge it when fully refreshed.  I wouldn't have argued with your opinion, even if it still contradicted mine, if you gave it after forgoing water for ten hours.  Or after eating half a slice of pizza.

1: How do I know you're fit to judge?

2: I had pizza for lunch so I'm going to have Sahara thirst for the next twenty-four hours no matter how many gallons of water I down.

1: Then don't eat pizza, you baby.

2: Oh no.  It's worth it.  A good restaurant pizza.

1: Sure, who doesn't like pizza?  If that had been your answer you would have gotten no argument from me.

2: That's why booze is such a waste.

1: For a tea-totaler like you, but not for normal people.

2: I know pizza can be pricey, but not compared to alcohol.  Think how much delicious restaurant pizza you could get for what you waste on liquor.

1: I spend it.  I don't waste it.

2: Do you regret spending it?

1: I'm going to spend more.

2: But do you regret it?

1: It's hard for me to say I regret something I do over and over and that I know I'm going to keep doing over and over.

2: When you were hung-over on Saturday, did you regret it then?

1 [smiles]:...

2: See.  How much did you blow on shots?

1: I happily paid eighty bucks for them.

2: Happily?

1: Well, willingly.

2: So you paid eighty dollars to make yourself sick.

1: No. I paid eighty dollars plus a hangover to feel really good.

2: You could have gotten four large pizzas for that!  Or three pizza and several bags of peanut butter cups.  Can't forget desert.

1: What about the water wells for Africa?

2: You brought that into the conversation, but I won't discourage charity as an alternative to your liquor money.  That's what I assume you were referring to when you asked me what was good.

1: No.

2: Oh really.

1: I'll admit that was looping through my head as background noise, like usual.

2: You're such a whino.

1: I was actually going to say that crumbs were good.

2: How are you going to argue against water when that's your answer?

1: People already know water's important.  Crumbs get a bad rap.

2: Then what you should've asked was "What's underrated?"

1: Maybe the question could have been worded more precisely.

2 [rolls eyes]:  Expound on the goodness of crumbs.

1: The crumbs on the bottom of Frosted Flakes and Doritos are always the most flavorful part of the whole.

2: That's it?

1: Both of us were influenced by our choice of lunch.  I brought some Frosted Flakes and Doritos to snack on for lunch.  Not all of can afford pizza.  Some of us have liquor habits to support.

2: Are you saying cookie crumbs are good?

1: No.

2: Or potato chips?

1: No.

2: Any crumbs besides Frosted Flakes and Doritos?

1: None that I can think of at the moment.

2: So good crumbs are actually a rarity.

1: Yes, but still a reality than must be acknowledged.  They're not all bad.

2: But they usually are.

1: Yeah, usually.

2: I'm not even sure if we can speak to crumbs being rated one way or the other.  Unless there's some study about various cultures' attitudes towards crumbs that I'm unaware of.

1: No.

2: It's a weird topic of conversation that's seldom if ever touched on.  I don't know how you gauge it.

1: I was going with the negative connotation "crummy" has.

2: Have you researched the etymology of the word?

1: No.

2 [shrugs]: I mean it might have to do with food crumbs.  But I'm thinking it's just as likely to refer to crumbling architecture.

1: Oh, really?

2: I'm guessing the word is old enough to go back to when most people couldn't afford to scoff at crumbs of food.  Back when you were grateful to have a moldy cockroach for supper.

1: Well that is locally sourced.

2: Yeah, I'm not a believer in your crumb barometer.

1: Whatever it started from originally, I still think people today associate it with food, so I need to introduce a more positive meaning as part of the rehabilitation of crumbs.

2: So you want to change it to its opposite?

1: People did it with the word "literally".

2: It seems like a waste of time.  Nobody uses "crummy" nowadays anyways.  Unless you're Leave it To Beaver cosplayers, maybe.

1: Even then, I couldn't ask them to introduce an anachronism by insisting on my definition.  You have to respect the integrity of the characters.

2: I suppose crumb fandom is innocuous next to alcohol.

1: It's not an either-or proposition for me.

2: You're going to call off on Saturday again, aren't you?

1: You know it!

2: Which means that I must condemn your crummy, in the conventional sense, work ethic, but applaud your crummy, in your reformed sense, candor.

1: Then screw you and thank you.