Miscellaneous Crumbs of Dialogue: The Good and the Crummy
by Silence Do_nothing
1: You know what's good?
2: Someone's properly hydrated.
1: Am I supposed to feel guilty about that?
2: I simply mean that you can only appreciate water when you're thirsty.
1: That's with everything. I'd still rather have something than have appreciation for it. Because I appreciate it so much.
2: Are you thirsty now?
2: Then you can't properly value water.
1: Maybe if I convert to Shinto and pray to a river god or something.
2: That wouldn't help.
2 [rolls eyes]: I'm sure countless souls have found serenity and a sense of purpose and meaning in Shinto. They've been a vibrant and vital segment of the community for generations. I would not hesitate for one second to vote a Shinto practitioner into the White House if he were the best qualified candidate.
1 [puffs out chest]: That’s right.
2: But even hypothetical President Shinto would require a parched throat to truly understand water's precious essence.
1: You're not looking to hit me up for a charity run for a group that drills water wells in Africa, are you?
2: No, why? Are you against that?
1: Not the charitable work itself.
2: Just stingy?
1: I don't like how those things are setup.
2: Hmmm. Like what?
1: That the runners' part is supposed to put them above people who "only" donate money. I know they do good and all, but-
2: When's the last time you donated money?
1: That's not the point.
2 [rolls eyes]: ...
1: There's the general idea out there that volunteering is superior to giving cash.
2: I'm sure they're very grateful for both.
1: I made my money myself, so when I donate-
2: If you donate.
1: Oh, I will. Just so you can't hold this over me.
2: My chops busting serves the greater good.
1: It's not about "just writing a check." I have to work to cover the checks. I'm donating time like a volunteer, but it's less direct.
2: Yeah, but it's not as though you're mining coal.
1: So. I still have to put up with a boss.
2: Volunteers have supervisors.
1: It's not the same.
2: And the last time you volunteered was?
1: I don't need to to know that a charity's supervisor can't afford to be nearly as big of a dick as a boss in a business. A charity isn't going to bitch at a volunteer for being two minutes late.
2: Well then set your alarm five minutes earlier, big baby.
1: I'm not-
2: And don't come in looking all hung over when you're late, too.
1: I'm not disputing that I deserve it. When you screw up, you get chewed out. I get that. And when you're getting chewed out, and if you happen to be bad at hiding the feelings that are betrayed by your facial expression -something that goes back to when you were a kid and you kept getting in trouble for "that look on your face", even though your muscles were making that look without your knowledge or control- if you still haven't developed good enough control to mask the emotions that force their way in when someone is belittling you, then you get to take more flak for your attitude problem. Hey, fine then. And when you can't produce as well as the others, even if it burns you up that you can't and even if you hustle like someone who really cares, but because you don't have a knack for it, you come up short. Too bad. This isn't a nursery. You're paid to produce results. I accept that. And yes, I know that someone working in a sweatshop would love to be in my shoes, and I would have no right complain to one of them, but since you aren't one of them, I feel plenty of right to bitch about it to you.
2: I know it sucks, but it has to be that way or everything would fall to pieces. People are fundamentally lazy.
1: I don't doubt that. It's just that volunteering doesn't come with that kind of crap so I don't get how it is supposed to show more dedication or a truer act of charity than "only writing a check."
2: I would imagine it's directed towards donors who come from wealth and that for them, writing a check really is the easier way out.
2: I never knew you hated the job so much.
1: Nah, it's not so bad. I mean, it's a job.
2: I guess.
1: Although, I will say -and this isn't just for this job in particular, but for any one. In my dream lottery scenario, if I won, I wouldn't quit-
2: Oh right.
1: No, not because I'm Mr. Workaholic or I would feel unfulfilled just lounging around all day. But I would love working I job I didn't need.
2: "Take this job and shove it!"
1: No, I wouldn't even do that. That lets them know they're getting to you. I wouldn't be a jerk to people or goof off. I would take my duties seriously. I wouldn't try to get fired. I just wouldn't respond to the threat of it. The boss could go ballistic and I would calmly shrug it off because I wouldn't really need him. I don't care about sports cars, or fancy jewelry or home theaters. Indifference to the boss's wrath would be the one luxury I'd look forward to.
2: Are we including liquor?
1: It would be crazy to stop just when I could start to afford the good stuff.
2: I figured as much.
1: I know that breaks your heart when I could be going bananas on just like pallets and pallets of Perrier.
2: Actually, I'll grant you that liquor is a more reasonable purchase than bottled water.
2: Tap water quenches just as well. Alcohol production does require craftsmanship. Water's water.
1: How could you turn your back on the sacred waters?.
2: I never said that.
1: You acted like it.
2: The bone of contention was more to do with the inability to judge it when fully refreshed. I wouldn't have argued with your opinion, even if it still contradicted mine, if you gave it after forgoing water for ten hours. Or after eating half a slice of pizza.
1: How do I know you're fit to judge?
2: I had pizza for lunch so I'm going to have Sahara thirst for the next twenty-four hours no matter how many gallons of water I down.
1: Then don't eat pizza, you baby.
2: Oh no. It's worth it. A good restaurant pizza.
1: Sure, who doesn't like pizza? If that had been your answer you would have gotten no argument from me.
2: That's why booze is such a waste.
1: For a tea-totaler like you, but not for normal people.
2: I know pizza can be pricey, but not compared to alcohol. Think how much delicious restaurant pizza you could get for what you waste on liquor.
1: I spend it. I don't waste it.
2: Do you regret spending it?
1: I'm going to spend more.
2: But do you regret it?
1: It's hard for me to say I regret something I do over and over and that I know I'm going to keep doing over and over.
2: When you were hung-over on Saturday, did you regret it then?
2: See. How much did you blow on shots?
1: I happily paid eighty bucks for them.
1: Well, willingly.
2: So you paid eighty dollars to make yourself sick.
1: No. I paid eighty dollars plus a hangover to feel really good.
2: You could have gotten four large pizzas for that! Or three pizza and several bags of peanut butter cups. Can't forget desert.
1: What about the water wells for Africa?
2: You brought that into the conversation, but I won't discourage charity as an alternative to your liquor money. That's what I assume you were referring to when you asked me what was good.
2: Oh really.
1: I'll admit that was looping through my head as background noise, like usual.
2: You're such a whino.
1: I was actually going to say that crumbs were good.
2: How are you going to argue against water when that's your answer?
1: People already know water's important. Crumbs get a bad rap.
2: Then what you should've asked was "What's underrated?"
1: Maybe the question could have been worded more precisely.
2 [rolls eyes]: Expound on the goodness of crumbs.
1: The crumbs on the bottom of Frosted Flakes and Doritos are always the most flavorful part of the whole.
2: That's it?
1: Both of us were influenced by our choice of lunch. I brought some Frosted Flakes and Doritos to snack on for lunch. Not all of can afford pizza. Some of us have liquor habits to support.
2: Are you saying cookie crumbs are good?
2: Or potato chips?
2: Any crumbs besides Frosted Flakes and Doritos?
1: None that I can think of at the moment.
2: So good crumbs are actually a rarity.
1: Yes, but still a reality than must be acknowledged. They're not all bad.
2: But they usually are.
1: Yeah, usually.
2: I'm not even sure if we can speak to crumbs being rated one way or the other. Unless there's some study about various cultures' attitudes towards crumbs that I'm unaware of.
2: It's a weird topic of conversation that's seldom if ever touched on. I don't know how you gauge it.
1: I was going with the negative connotation "crummy" has.
2: Have you researched the etymology of the word?
2 [shrugs]: I mean it might have to do with food crumbs. But I'm thinking it's just as likely to refer to crumbling architecture.
1: Oh, really?
2: I'm guessing the word is old enough to go back to when most people couldn't afford to scoff at crumbs of food. Back when you were grateful to have a moldy cockroach for supper.
1: Well that is locally sourced.
2: Yeah, I'm not a believer in your crumb barometer.
1: Whatever it started from originally, I still think people today associate it with food, so I need to introduce a more positive meaning as part of the rehabilitation of crumbs.
2: So you want to change it to its opposite?
1: People did it with the word "literally".
2: It seems like a waste of time. Nobody uses "crummy" nowadays anyways. Unless you're Leave it To Beaver cosplayers, maybe.
1: Even then, I couldn't ask them to introduce an anachronism by insisting on my definition. You have to respect the integrity of the characters.
2: I suppose crumb fandom is innocuous next to alcohol.
1: It's not an either-or proposition for me.
2: You're going to call off on Saturday again, aren't you?
1: You know it!
2: Which means that I must condemn your crummy, in the conventional sense, work ethic, but applaud your crummy, in your reformed sense, candor.
1: Then screw you and thank you.